Book of the Moment

Dragon Star III:
by Melanie Rawn


Site of the Moment

At Home Mothers


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give me them all

. ? 100 Things # .

words count : journeys


.com : .nu

sunday 06.18.2000
only necessity

way too many people are amazed by me. there really is nothing to be amazed at, honest. i do what i do because i have to and if they were in my shoes they would do the same. telling them this seems to have no effect. honest, i am just an average everyday person, nothing that great, nothing that special, unique in my own way (as everyone has the great fortune to be), with my own challenges in life. that's all.

before those of you who don't know me that will wander off because i come of as a bit too full of myself (although the point is that i am not), let me try to explain.

ten years ago i was a traditional christian woman with a marriage in trouble. my husband was very much under the thumb of his abusive mother, we were doing everything wrong to try to fix our relationship, and i was being psychologically and verbally abused by the same woman. i had only realized this, and somewhere in there i finally had had enough. i threw him out. it was one hell of a separation with me still living in the home owned by his family. a lot of things happened, let's just say it was a truly unpleasant situation for everyone.

once i got my wits together i did everything i could to move and change things. i had four reasons to get my life together: kitten, jewel, taz and shebop. i went back to school, i moved out into my own place and became a single mom. i practically killed myself (and definitely seriously harmed myself healthwise) getting A's while taking 17+ units a semester. the states were looking into changing the public aid laws and i didn't know how much time i had. so i did what i had to, i pushed myself hard. i had four kids to support.

fast forward: my son. he's been a difficult child. by the age of 4 he wasn't speaking, he hummed a lot and spun toys. there was this wall between us that just couldn't be breached. but the doctors and specialist i had taken him to said there was nothing wrong. i was doubting my ability as a mother. then we took him to another place entirely and he was finally diagnosed: moderate mental retardation, adhd, developmental delays. almost 2 years later autism has been added to the list. with the help of those who had diagnosed him i gained a son, a differently abled son, but a son none the less...a boy i love with all my heart and do everything i can for. but none of this came about until the last semester of school. i ended up dropping the one class that would have given me an a.s. rather than an a.a. because it was so painful.

i went to college and discovered in my second year what i had done to myself at the junior college level. i dropped out due to health reasons and have not gone back. but in my brief time there i got involved with the net and my life has never been the same. i have been very active in tsf and net sisters, i have built my website and started a business (which still has yet to do much of anything). i also still have my 4 children, including my disabled son.

i spend most of the time online creating graphics, working on my website, reading online journals/ezines and weblogs. some say i make incredible graphics. i see that i can do better and everyone else i know is getting business before me. i am up at 8 a.m. monday through friday to get my son on his bus. i can't yet get a job because i need to be home for him when gets off the bus at 4 p.m. and one month out of 4 when he's off track. i also have my youngest that i currently get out to her bus around 11:30, but pretty soon that will be dad's job since the district won't transfer her to her sister's school.

afternoons i have to help my son manage his behavior. left to himself he'd spin and hum, rather than being a part of life. at night i usually go to bed around 2 a.m. some days i try to turn in earlier. but if my son is awake until 4 a.m. so am i. he can get into all kinds of things if there is no one to keep an eye on him. the boy has no sense of fear or self preservation. my husband works all day and comes home and makes dinner (he is a FANTASTIC cook), the girls do chores because i have bad ankles, a bad back and a bad hip.

yes, i'm a bit lazy. i prefer the web in a lot of ways, i really enjoy what i do here. as much as i love my family, i don't give up things i enjoy doing for them. i am available for the kids, able to turn and talk to them when they need me. i am helping my oldest with her site. as a family we have our unique circumstances we are shaped around. but i am by no means doing anything more than anyone else would in my situation, and may even be doing less. i am not a hero, not someone to consider a role model (a prospect which makes me nervous at best), not someone to be amazed at. i am a mother, wife, net sister, tsf staff member, business woman (well, sorta). i know people who are more than i am and do it even better than i do. like millions of other women, i just do what is necessary.

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