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saturday, september 29, 2012

i'm feeling pretty frustrated right now.

yes, things are generally going better right now. I'm healthier, the cats are healthier, we're in a less precarious financial position. saxy's career seems to be going well: he just stodged for lure and has an offer of something else in fifth group if he's not hired there. taz loves the new program he's in and is really stepping up at home (though he still needs reminders about some things). there are concerns about his social security, but i'm hoping it's pretty clear that he's still autistic. ;)

but my stuff? my writing, my weight loss, my ability to get back to my old productiveness? all seem to be stalled, and it's frustrating the living daylights out of me.

i've been going up and down in the same weight range for the last 2 months. i drop down then, even if i keep on track with the food and exercise, bounce right back up. i'm trying to vary the exercise routine, but it doesn't seem to be helping. i do know i need to work on my night time snacks, but the more frustrated i get, the harder it is to not eat. it just feels like...why bother? nothing is working anyway. i know that's not the way to think about it, that there is a way to bust through this plateau, but right now? not a whole hell of a lot seems to be working the way it should. not giving up on it, just very aggravated by it right now. my weight is nowhere where it needs to be and my "don't bleed to death" meds won't last too much longer, maybe a couple of months. i've got to get past this, and i just can't seem to figure out how.

my actual writing is going okay, for the most part, it's my submissions that aren't doing so well. stories i thought would do really well are being rejected. i'm almost ready to trunk assassin's. charms still has a full out there, but with the way the query is being thrown back in my face, i'm not holding out much hope at this point. i have 3 stories ready to go back out, and i just don't want to send them. again, why bother? no one likes them, apparently. i try to remember that i do have a story coming out in an antho next month and charms has gotten what we call "good rejections" (personalized notes from those who don't usually write them) and the full is still out there, but 15 rejections last month, 18 the month before, and 12 this month. it makes me tired. like with my weight, i won't give it up. i'm home anyway, i'd write anyway, might as well do something with it, but it's frustrating.

and i guess i have to look at my usual to do lists and start cutting things because i can't seem to get anything done lately.

maybe it's the time of year. in recent years, september just seems to be a month where i disappear a bit online, and the last couple of years have really drained the reserves. we had a week or so of sunshine, but the rest of the time has been pretty gray from hurricane leftovers. and having all this personal stuff seeming to gang up on me doesn't help. i probably could do with a vacation. i don't mean a go to disneyland vacation (though i'm sure that would help). just a break from everything for even a weekend. problem is, i don't know how to do that. i always need to be doing something or i go a bit batty.

i just really wish one of these things would unstall. even just a little. three months of stalled is more than enough. really.

in another, unrelated note, middle girl will be moving into an apartment on the other side of us as the oldest and youngest. yes, in the same complex, different buildings. so, they all moved out and scattered, and now we'll all be in the same 2 block area. not back in the same house (thank god!) but a whole different kind of boomerang. lol

honestly not expecting it to change much in interactions. oldest and i often trade food (i need tomatoes, she needs rice, that kind of thing), but middle girl eats nothing like either household and is always broker than we are (which is saying something), and when she's not, she's got plans to go out. so i really don't see us talking or seeing each other much more than we do now. i just find it amusing that we all got out of toxic house and went in different directions only to land in the same place 6 months to a year later.

think i'll try to take at least the rest of the day off from anything other than finishing dinner and doing dishes. may not help, but then, who knows? sometimes the best way to unstall yourself is to just sit back and watch a few movies and chill.

now, can someone come over and slap my fingers if i try to do any work for the rest of the day?


word of the moment: echelon

one of the levels of status or authority in an organization, or the people in that level; a diffraction grating consisting of a pile of plates of equal thickness arranged stepwise with a constant offset; a body of troops arranged in a linean arrangement of soldiers, ships, or aircraft in which each one is slightly to the right or left of the one in front

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