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friday 09.22.2000

domy is adhd. we thought i had adhd, but it has been confirmed now. what i am trying to figure out is why i am so...dazed about it. i was ready to fight the doctor if they came up with a different conclusion than adhd. but it is agreed, and i am...stunned...or something. actually, dazed fits the bill better i think. it makes no sense to feel all weird about something you knew you had and just got confirmed. but i do. it doesn't make sense because this has always been a part of me, i know that, even though there were know no symptoms really as a kid. when i became anemic, whatever management system i had went right out the window and i haven't been able to get it back, that's the only reason why I know it for sure. even when i was managing just fine on my own, friends knew i was adhd and are stunned that i had no idea. so this really should not be a big deal. but somehow it is and the fact that it is is making me crazier than the actual diagnoses.

weird, but we always knew i was a bit strange in the head. and now we have PROOF!

one of the tests the doctor had done was an eeg. now, in an eeg, normal brainwaves are pretty smooth wavy lines, no major valleys or mountains, few actual peeks, just a nice smooth horizontal line. not least not in the left side of my brain. the doctor went so far as to ask me if i had ever had any severe trauma to the left side of my head (no) or seizures (also no). the chart for my left temporal lobe (as he put it) was all spiky. not enough for epileptic something or other (not sure he meant epilepsy itself), but abnormal none the less.

like i can do anything NORMAL?

at any rate, the doctor wants me to try medication. i know i went into testing determined not to take any more pills. but some recent things have me rethinking that. last night emce and i were talking about my game. he said something to me, and not even two minutes later i turned around and asked' "i'm sorry, what did you say?" he looked so startled and i suddenly felt so lost. this has happened with saxy before too, but he usually responded by getting frustrated and blaming the computer (even if i wasn't on the computer at the time). my response to his frustration was to get upset. so i never had that feeling of NEEDING to know what was said, what did i just lose. i never had the chance to feel that way. emce said it wasn't important, but it bothers me. it bothered me before of course, but not like this. i know this is part of why i started to struggle so much at the university. in the space of 1 quarter i went from a straight a student to flunking. that was devastating for me.

i have also felt a distinct lack of focus the last week or so in many of my activities. that book i am reading? has been going in one ear and out the other. it is not difficult to understand, i can tell this is MUCH less complicated than the stuff i was learning is psychology, but i can't grasp it. i forget it by the next time i pick up the book even if it is in the same day. online i feel i am drifting away in the things i do. days go by and i get nothing done...ANYWHERE. this is frustrating for me. i actually have considered closing DominoDesigns, not just because of the lack of business (although that is part of it), but also because i just can't seem to keep on track enough to actually run it right. and i just feel like i am not really here for anyone right now. i have felt this way before and it does pass, but it is driving me crazy.

but medication? i am scared to take it...i am scared to not try. we have been trying to find the right medication for my son and this is NOT an easy task. the side effects look scary and i wonder how they will affect me. (it would be REALLY nice if the adhd med and the claritin balanced each other out so i am not passed out 2 hours after taking my medication, but not an insomniac either...what would really suck is being ready to pass out but being an insomniac anyway!) and when he gave me the prescription i didn't say anything either. not sure why i paid the co-pay on the prescription. so i might as well try it...right?

hell, i may be lucky and it may be exactly what i need. i gather that it is unusual to get it right the first time. but, as noted above, since when i can i be normal?

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