just tired
thursday, october 21, 2010


i am feeling completely worn down right now. i'm just tired of where we're at again...still...whatever, plus the added physical issues and the parental issues. and telling myself it's not my fault, even known it's not my fault, is not helping me any right now. i can barely think beyond my family sometimes right now, and a whole lot more than usual is annoying me, including the fact that i'm nowhere near where i wanted to be as a person. forget the finances and all that, i am not the person i wanted to be. somehow, i just couldn't rise above my situation and be the parent i wanted or the person i wanted: the stress and the poverty turned me into something else, something hard. and it just makes me think no wonder my kids are turning out the way they are.

oh, i get that they are who they are and are making their own choices, and in a lot of ways, there really is nothing i can do about it. like the new situation with the youngest: she has a detention and if she doesn't show, she gets a referral. we have no car so i told her she'd just have to take the referral. she says she won't do that, which means if her plans for a ride home don't work out, i have no idea how she's getting home other than walking and hopefully not being hit by a car or picked up by some pervert.

but not getting a referral is more important.

if i had a way to prevent this, to go and make sure she got on the damn van home, then her staying after school wouldn't be an issue.

honestly, i love my kids. i really do. but if i knew back then what i knew now, i'm not sure i'd have kids. my powers as a parent have slowly been eroded by the government; while peers have always been an issue, the thug element has become a big problem across the culture and is influencing everything kids do, and i don't have an effective way to fight it; and the financial issues we've had as a family and my continuing physical breakdown have eroded any remaining power i have. if i had the opportunity to have kids now, i probably wouldn't. parents have no power, and the fight to survive is not conducive to good parenting—you have fewer options for consequences. when you mix in the fact that 12 year olds are walking around like they're adults and getting away with it because to curb them could get a parent investigated (assuming the parent is even paying attention) for abuse? just not the social environment i want to raise kids in. i'm at the end of my actual parenting stage of being a parent and feel like i've already lost the fight for my kids.

and no, this is not an empty nest syndrome. at this point, youngest may be leaving when she turns 17 with my blessing because it's obvious she's decided i'm not worth listening to and i have no power to make her listen. maybe like middle girl, she needs some real world to realize she's not all that and doesn't have it all figured out. i remember being resentful of my mother, i don't remember being out right disrespectful until her mental illness went over the edge, and then it wasn't so much disrespect as "get me the hell out of here!" :P

and i know kids need protection. but what they need protection from is parents who beat their kids black and blue or sexual abuse. they don't need protection from reasonable spankings and other consequences of behavior. the government has stepped over the line and is trying to take over parenting, and honestly, is part of the reason our kids are out of control. when kitten was growing up, we had our moments, but not once did she threaten to report me to anybody. middle daughter threatened me twice and youngest has threatened me once. granted, neither of them thought about the problems they might encounter in a foster family (teens really do not think that way), but i've seen what a nightmare the whole situation can become when cps gets involved, and how slow they are to let the case go even if there's no ground for the complaint, and how quick they are to jump in on even the slightest hint that the family isn't the way they want it to be. it's absolutely crazy. and it makes parenting almost impossible.

as for the rest, well, who wouldn't be tired of struggling to get on their feet, almost getting there, only to be knocked back down again every single time. who wouldn't be tired of struggling to make their basic needs every single damn day...since they were 18 years old. who wouldn't be tired of constant pain, difficulty getting things done, and not being able to take care of the physical issues that are causing these problems because of lack of funds. i have a tooth that needs a root canal that i can't even afford to get pulled. it has been in agony for days, and the earliest i can do anything about it will be tax time, if at all because a car must come first. i can't even afford to replace my over a decade old glasses. and this doesn't even count in the weight related and old injury related issues i have.

and i'm not even going to get into how frustrated i am with politics right now. i'm beyond frustrated with the republicans (and i used to be one!) and the knee-jerk reaction tea partyists. it took the repubs 8 years to get us in the mess, we're not getting out of it in 2, and just because you can afford health care doesn't mean everyone can. and that's all i'm going to say about the idiocy being played out right now.

i am frustrated and tired and am long past ready for things to be different, to be better. i'm ready for the things we've done and are doing to make things better to *gasp!* actually make things better. i'm ready to not be worried about how i'm keeping a roof over our heads, the lights on, and everyone fed. and i'm more than ready to not have to rely on my kids to make it from one month to the next. forget retirement, forget what the hell am i going to do when my insurance finally runs out, i just want to be able to get through today, this week, this month without it being a stressful juggle of finances and health. i'm not even aiming for the dreams i had as a kid anymore. i just want a stable existence, where i can be confident that all our basic needs are going to be taken care of. a supposedly simple wish that we just can't seem to find a way to make happen no matter how hard we try. and the kid issues on top of that? just something else that i can't seem to get even remotely right.

is it any wonder i'm so damn tired?