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where my head's at
friday, december 5, 2008

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for some time now, i've felt totally out of control, and not in a good way. and it's really starting to interfere with my ability to function. i get overwhelmed easily, the adhd factor is out of control, and i'm exhausted more often than not. and no this is not the usual holiday exhaustion; this is different, more pervasive, more persistent ... it's almost as bad as an anemic exhaustion, except my anemia is under control (even if the rest of my life isn't).

this has been building for awhile now -- since we moved here, for all i know. this year has sucked for us in ways even bad years in the past haven't. we've had financial issues since before i started writing this journal -- we've always been poor. we're used to it. unemployment? yea, well, we've dealt with it before. froggy's issues? been going on a lot longer than i realized. i worry about her, but it's nothing new. but bed for six months followed by surgery? definitely new. having oldest move back in with a grandbaby in tow? kind of new mixed with a lot to adjust to.

don't get me wrong, i love the grandbaby and my daughter. but two extra bodies in the house is more than just two extra bodies in the house. it's more food, more laundry, learning to work around each other's lifestyles (really, she has got the detach the phone from her ear ... at least it's her cell phone and not our house phone), more evening noise when everyone gets home, more everything. evenings are particularly hard. everyone comes home and it's much louder, much more chaotic than we're used to. i have such a hard time focusing, and it gets worse as the noise level and such increases. it's just too much for me in a lot of ways. and i don't think kitten's quite figured out i'm not the mom she remembers from her teenage years. hell, i'm not even the mom from last year at this time. i'm having more physical problems and just can't meet even the normal demands of a regular day. new people in the house has resulted in more demands, and we've had a bit of a time getting it across that she really needs to pitch in and help, and not just financially.

for example, we're making christmas cookie boxes again this year, but the husband and i have at most 3 or 4 boxes we do in any given year. she's added 6 to the list...and isn't doing much to help with the baking. it's distressing, and it's very hard on my back. saxy has just told me that she will help this weekend or her friends won't get any boxes, period. he's that concerned about the extra work she's putting on me and how tired and sore i've been lately. i know facing your parents' mortality can be hard to do -- my kids all still see me as young and beautiful. touching, really, but not the reality. i'm older and have a lot more limitations than i used to. not a pleasant thing to face, but something that must be faced because i just can't do everything any more. heck, i can't even do half of everything that i used to do.

i've also had to make another schedule switch so i can watch baby cat while kitten goes to work. adjusting to a new schedule is hard enough, adjusting when there's unusual activities going on (holiday baking) is even harder. i'm missing out on my most creative time for writing because i'm too damn tired and tend to be in bed by midnight instead of 2:30. as a result, i feel like i'm getting so much less done than usual right now ... and it's bugging me. i don't even have an idea for next year's whysper layout, much less anything prepped, and i have no idea when i'll have time to pull anything together.

my editing work isn't part of the problem ... much. there's been some issues at the job that have been difficult to deal with, some respect lost for some people, but in general i stick to my corner of the lilley universe: managing slush, managing editors, and editing as i can. these things rarely get out of hand, and if they do it's usually around release time when i need to focus on the newest batch of books that are going up for sale. everything in between is generally manageable. sometimes i have absolutely nothing to do and can focus on my own stuff -- those times have had me thinking about resigning every now and then, but i know if the company picks up and does well, the money will eventually do us good. and i do love my job. i think i've thought about it more recently because of some of the more recent issues there and because of the sense of being out of control and overwhelmed in other areas of my life.

bed has looked very good recently. very, very good. which is not a good thing. i want to get better, i want to get my strength and stamina back, but i have a very hard time doing it. i'm too tired most of the time, or there's no time for anything except running around and getting other stuff done. a lot of days, it's just a struggle to get out of bed.

this was not the entry i really wanted for my first holidailies post of the year, but then i had forgotten about holidailies until it popped up on my lj f-list. i've been doing a lot of forgetting lately, a lot more than usual, and it's frustrating the hell out of me. but i suspect until life settles a bit more, the holidays are over, and all the stress from this past year works itself out, this is where my head will be at. i just hope the out of control feeling dies down soon. i don't like it at all. and i don't like how it's making everyday stuff seem like such overwhelming tasks.

speaking of everyday stuff, time to get it together for my day, starting with taking kitten to her job.


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word of the moment: albicant

growing or becoming white
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