got to stop
saturday, march 4, 2006

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"Bridge of Wings -
Where He Waits"

Pui-Mun Law

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© Davide Guglielmo

that title doesn't even begin to sum up my emotions on the subject of this entry, but it's the best i can do at the moment.

jewel is driving us up the friggin wall. somewhere along the way this girl turned into a snotty, little bitch who always sees the glass half empty. she's always been more on the negative side--she's the baby who was always cranky when we had visitors and that kind of thing, but it's so completely out of hand right now, and we have no idea what to do about it. give her a gift and she finds its flaws. try to help her out, she tells you why it won't work without even trying. explain what's going on and she tells you why you're wrong.

there is a fight in this house EVERY day, and 9 times out of 10 she's in the middle of it. 7 times out of 10 it's with me or saxy!

she's got to have gotten this from her grandmother. and i only say that because she and i aren't getting along that well--which is REALLY bad. i can see her walking out the door one day and never calling or looking back . . . ever. she's the child i will never hear from again because she has bad feelings between her and us.

i feel like i'm not making sense here, but all i can do is ramble.

this child thinks living out here is as bad as it was when she lived in cali. she has the opportunity to go to friends houses (at least when she hasn't managed to get herself grounded), she has a room she doesn't really share with anyone, we let her walk around the neighborhood, she gets new clothes instead of hand-me-downs, and living here is as bad as living where we did in cali??? we never let the kids play outside because of gang activity. they couldn't see "friends" because of the same reason and concern for the bad influences (one of these girls was pregnant by the time she was 13), she didn't get new clothes because we didn't have the money to spare and her older sister always had stuff she could pass on. hell, the only reason we had christmas was because others kicked in to help!

even teachers are seeing problems with her at school. she comes home with 3 f's and a d and tells us the d was okay because it's still passing. i don't demand a's, but i do expect c's, and she knows that, and she still resented the restriction of not going anywhere until her grades are up to par. no, wait, resent is too mild a word. she's infuriated. i mean, yes, this should upset her, but this more than upsetting her. and she doesn't even have to be limited to the house for the whole rest of the quarter since i'm now in contact with her teachers and they are sending me updated reports.

the child never hears us when we talk to her or call for her, but she manages to butt her nose into every other conversation even when she's not in the room. she can't remember to do her chores unless we put up a behavior chart or remind her, not even the ones she's supposed to do every day. getting her to do weekend chores has become a regular argument. this week she got herself completely grounded (no privileges whatsoever) for not starting them, not starting when told 5 times to get started, and then for fighting with saxy about it. what does she do? puts on a jacket and tries to walk out the front door! her phone (which she NEVER would have gotten in cali, by the way) was confiscated and she took it and tried to make a phone call, refusing to hang up when told.

we've checked into it and we can't force her into the military, but, damn, does she need it!

i've called her father and warned him she may be on her way out there as soon as i have a full time job and we can work out sending taz to my school instead of home at the end of the day. it's not my first choice for her, but i don't think she can stay in this house. she quite obviously doesn't want to be a functioning member of this family. the fights stress out froggy to no end, and i have more than enough to worry about.

and i guess a couple of my friends i've talk to about it are right--this is all her own thing. it's not the way i raised her. it's not me being unreasonable. it's all her. she thinks everything will come easy to her. she thinks the privileges are her right, not extras that i should be able to take away. even the cell phone has become something that she deserves rather than the gift it was intended to be. i honestly think the only thing that will work for her (meaning what she thinks is the only acceptable solution) is letting her do whatever she wants whenever she wants with whomever she wants, and that just ain't happening while she's under my roof. she is angry. she is bitter. she acts all snotty, even to her friends over the phone. she's a mean, little bitch.

i suppose i should be glad she's not doing drugs and alcohol and not sleeping around. but, really, some days i wonder if she's starting to have my mother's disease already. the delusions of teenagers are well known, but hers just seem to go over the top. (i'd really love to live in the world the way she sees it!)

we're going to try one more thing here, but i honestly don't hold out any hope. she's seems pretty determined to be miserable and to make sure we're all miserable with her. at this point, i'd rather send her to dad and let her get some space rather than to keep putting us all through the pain. it's not good for anyone, not her, not the kiddles, not us. and rather than get us to the point where we don't ever want to see each other again (granted, it may be too late for her), it would just be better to send her off to dad despite the minimal supervision he can or will give her.

somehow, this just has to stop. for all of us.

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Since July 9, 2000

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