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it could be worse
wednesday, february 2, 2005

or so i keep telling myself. oh, not everything is bad, but a couple of horrendous days at work, lousy weather, and a nasty cold can put a bad spin on anything - not that i should be talking about spinning with my dizzy spells. fortunately, the fever part of the cold seems to have gone away, and my major symptom is some pretty unpleasant congestion. since i'm usually somewhat congested all the time from allergies anyway, i pretty much can't breathe through my nose at the moment, even when i take a decongestant.

which has made using my nasal inhaler a real interesting proposition.

it's also managed to bring back the (very mild, so don't panic anyone) bloody noses i used to have before we knew i had allergies. there's blood on the keenex - not too much and not too bad, but annoying none the less.

at least the damn things isn't a total head cold. i'm uncomfortable enough trying to work while with this thing - the only thing saving me is my dayquil.

beyond that, i'm just plain tired. this was my second week with a tuesday class that just about killed me, and unlike last week, i didn't get wednesday off (this is good - we seriously need the money; fortunately today's classes were just about as close to perfect as you can get).

yesterday's lunch class (meaning i have lunch with them some time during the class period) ended up with 2 written referrals, 3 kids sent to other classrooms, and about a dozen names for the regular teacher to deal with when he got back in today. by lunch i had hit that "so pissed i can't even express it" point - which is very rare for me as i am usually very clear about how i'm feeling - and my voice had become that flat, "deadly quiet" kind of voice - which is even more rare for me to get (and some smart ass had to say to me: "so, when you're not angry, you yell; but when you're mad, you talk normal?' - no i don't yell, i project, but kids wouldn't know that unless they're in the theater). i cried at lunch (not a lot, not loudly, but more than i wanted to anyway - i really try to maintain a professional appearance at work and crying certainly kills that). and when we got back from lunch, i discovered that someone had taken my notes written for the teacher for monday and a blank referral form, torn them up, and thrown them out.

by that time i think i was just pretty much shell shocked for the day - i let 2 other teachers manage what to do about that, hunted through the trash for the notes, and was pretty much grateful that none of my personal stuff had been rifled through or taken (the notes had been in plain view on the table i was using as my desk). i spent the next class period taping 2 pages of notes back together.

no, i probably wouldn't make it as a sub in california schools - and am now very grateful i'm not working out there.

on a positive note or three, we're finally back in the black at the bank, though just barely, and the checkbook is balanced. the phone company called and offered a payment plan for the current amount due. saxy's working on a regular basis again, so we'll soon be back to trying to dig ourselves out from under pretty soon. or at least on our way to paying for the praxis so i can go full time, certified so we can start digging ourselves out. with me "just" subbing, about all we can do is break even.

you know, even though i enjoy subbing, i can see why teachers prefer their own, regular classrooms. it can be very neat to go to different classes and experience a variety in kids, material, and environment. and it can be a relief to know that at least you don't have to deal with the same kids every day with some classes. but the lack of routine and having to lay down the rules every day can be exhausting. it would be nice to know where you're going to be every day, to get to know the kids and be able to relax with them occasionally, to be able to set up and structure the classroom in such a way that it works best for you.

i haven't subbed long, and i've had very few "bad" classes, and only 3 that made me nuts, but i think i need the routine. i think i would be quite a bit less tired and my writing might not suffer so much if i weren't on such a flexible schedule. i've been fortunate that i'm generally called in by very local middle schools instead of all grade levels in far-flung and varied locations, but settling in to one place would be a good thing. and, hopefully, soon that opportunity will come to me. we're trying to get me all set for the praxis this month (at least praxis 1). that's our first step, as expensive as it is.

and really, even that could be worse. right?

word of the moment: soul

the immaterial essence or substance, animating principle, or actuating cause of life or of the individual life; the psychical or spiritual principle in general shared by or embodied in individual human beings or all beings having a rational and spiritual nature; the psychical or spiritual nature of the universe related to the physical world as the human soul to the human body; the immortal part of man having permanent individual existence; a person's total self in its living unity and wholeness; a seat of real life, vitality, or action; an animating or essential part; a vital principle actuating something; man's moral and emotional nature as distinguished from his mind or intellect; the quality of expression that effectively presents or arouses emotion and sentiment; a manifestation (as affection, generosity, charity, sympathy) of the moral nature; spiritual or moral force; human being; one having a good or noble quality in the highest degree

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