we're in trouble. i'm beginning to realize that being as poor as we were for so long has really hurt us in other areas - like control and discipline. i've finally put us on a "no luxuries" plan until everything is sorted out, but i think we managed to really sink ourselves this month. granted, part of the problem is that saxy hasn't had any work, but we should be handling things better by now. the whole getting out of the hole thing isn't going to happen this month. half my check is going to be eaten by damn nsf fees. i'm depressed, angry at myself, and very disappointed in myself. i can do better than this. i've done better than this. what the hell is my major malfunction?
i'm sure a lot of this moodiness/depression also comes from the earlier issues with saxy. we're doing fine, but i'm not in a place to try to really deal with it right now. i have other things on my mind and my plate is too full, so to speak.
i'm also sure this work week hasn't helped. the elementary kids were wonderful, but exhausting. i am in awe of elementary teachers (who say they have respect for anyone who wants to teach middle or high school). my full day in one classroom on thursday was . . . something else. not bad, just an experience i rarely want to repeat. i felt perpetually behind and out of sync just trying to do all the work the regular teacher had for me to do. like i said, the kids were great, and i only had one that i really had any trouble with. they were a bit out of sorts too, i'm sure. not only did they have a sub who wasn't able to do everything their regular teacher did in a day, but they also had vision and hearing testing, which was completely out of their usual routine. so, to not have a class completely out of control was next to amazing to me. but it definitely was exhausting.
and friday was pretty tiring too. it was middle school, but these were out of control middle schoolers. they've had a temp teacher for most of the year, with subs filling in when she was needed to do her math resourcing. apparently they finally have a teacher for these kids, but the teacher's not ready or something. or maybe the woman was a long-term sub. all i know for positive is that they had a fairly regular teacher who was filling in until they found a science teacher to take the class and that she was no longer doing the class so thursday and friday they had subs. there was also some indication that something had happened.
anyway, these teenagers were just . . . well, the elementary kids behaved better. just keeping them under control was a challenge, forget keeping them focused on their work. add to that the fact that the previous sub hadn't quite done what the previous teacher had said to do (several worksheets for 2 classes had been given to all the classes) and that the paperwork from the previous day was a mixed mess, and things were just a bit more complicated than usual for these kids. really, i should have just used some of my emergency plans from the books i purchased recently so i'd have stuff if i got in a tight spot and been done with it. instead i struggled with sorting through the mess left by the previous teacher(s).
add to that a cycle that's being weirder than usual, and that's also tiring me out, and it's easy to see why i've fallen into a funk. plus, with the financial pressure, the additional non working days are really getting to me. i mean, i can find something to do to keep me busy, but in the back of my mind there is that knowledge that i should be working because we need the money.
somehow i have got to set aside the funds for the praxis. the only thing that will get us on top is to become full time certified.
then there's the nasty storm headache i've had for a week now. at least, i think it's a storm headache. it's been around longer than they usually are. maybe it's a stress headache? i worry i'm taking too much for it, but what can i do? it hurts. :(
it's been a long week. a tiring week. a painful week. no wonder i'm tired and moody.
i'm going to go and finish watching forever knight season 2 and see if i can convince myself to work on writing. and i need to type up and print some of the activities in the books i have for emergency plans. neither of them were perforated and one of them doesn't even have the activities in such a way as to make them easy for teacher use. meh.
god, do i sound whiney.
|word of the moment: soul
the immaterial essence or substance, animating principle, or actuating cause of life or of the individual life; the psychical or spiritual principle in general shared by or embodied in individual human beings or all beings having a rational and spiritual nature; the psychical or spiritual nature of the universe related to the physical world as the human soul to the human body; the immortal part of man having permanent individual existence; a person's total self in its living unity and wholeness; a seat of real life, vitality, or action; an animating or essential part; a vital principle actuating something; man's moral and emotional nature as distinguished from his mind or intellect; the quality of expression that effectively presents or arouses emotion and sentiment; a manifestation (as affection, generosity, charity, sympathy) of the moral nature; spiritual or moral force; human being; one having a good or noble quality in the highest degree