it's a rather sucky day and i'm going to whine about it now, so just go away. nothing interesting here. :P

i'm sick. again. and probably will be sick for most of the rest of the winter. if we weren't in such financial difficulty, i'd stay home from work, but i can't. moving was supposed to make things better, and in a way they are. we're working, we're in a better neighborhood. but financially it's not as good right now. i used to be able to make at least partial payments on a few bills, now i can usually barely make the basic living expenses. i've had a good payment history on my credit card until this move, now i'm at least 2 months behind. and now one of the cats has an eye infection and i can't do anything help.

yea, i know, it's the season, it'll get better, but some days i'm just tired of telling myself that. some days i just wish it would actually be better.

i've never been a very patient person. you'd think kids and the money-go-round in cali would have changed that, but it hasn't. i want it to be better now, dammit!

we sooo need an infusion of free money. :P (and, yea, i know that isn't going to happen either, it just had to be said.)

right now it's a mess. we're paying our rent in payments. that should stop once i get a full month's check (meaning more than 10-15 days on a paycheck - i actually need 12 days on a paycheck to make the rent and i have yet to have a 12 day paycheck), but that won't be until february, probably. i'm paying for food and gas even though we don't have the money for it and just praying that nothing bounces in the process. if it does, not much i can do but pay the extra fees (which we can't afford, but we got to eat and we got to keep a roof over our heads) and just keep on going. more disconnect notices are coming in again, and all i can do for those is try to get them to push the dates and make what minimum payments i can on those dates. it sucks, its stressful, and i hate it. knowing it's going to get better isn't helping.

and somewhere in this mess i have to come up with $85 to take the damn praxis so i can try to get a provisional certificate and go full time.

we kinda need saxy to look for another job, but the current circumstances don't allow for that either. he needs something that's going to keep him working and not have an "off" season. but, we'd need a second car for that and i have no idea how i'm going to pay for the registration for the first car. and then there's insurance and gas and maintenance. we're just not in a place where that's affordable right now. and then there's the hours. if i work full time at a middle school job, it won't be such an issue - i can take in whoever needs to go to middle school when i go to work. but with my varying schedule, what hours saxy is available are an issue. it'll be impossible to do anything until i'm working regularly.

i suppose i could start calling schools and pull myself off all except the middle school lists. my concern is whether or not that will limit the days i work. i am starting to get called by more than one school in a day, which is good. and i do have schools that are scheduling me the day before. but, still, pulling myself off lists is a risk i'm not quite ready to take. i need for my name to get around as a good sub to a few more teachers before i do that. i need to be sure i'm being called nearly every day before i do that.

all of which means saxy stays in his job. and it's not that he doesn't like his job - he's okay with it. it's the days he doesn't work the full 4 - 5 hours he can work in a day that bother us. it's the off season generally found in most construction type jobs. it's the occasional delays in paychecks (although, to be fair, there are times when mcat is willing to pay saxy early, so i guess that balances out - it's the timing of this particular delay that was so bad, i guess).

meh. really, there are no answers right now - just to wait and try not to bitch too much. mcat and family did good bringing us out, it will get better, it's just taking a little time to get there.

i'm supposed to work on revisions for my novel, but i think i'm just going to crawl into bed and take a nap. and load up on hall's. maybe if i weren't feeling so crappy physically, i wouldn't feel so bad about everything else.

i hope i get better by tomorrow night. i'm working monday (in an art class even) and i don't want to be cranky just because i'm sick and have no choice but to work.