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wednesday, november 3, 2004

. ? 100 Things # .

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i received an unexpected, unasked for, 4-day vacation from the next this past weekend as the result of some cable tech cutting our phone line when installing cable for another house. because most of our phone company's techies had been sent to florida to help out down there, yesterday afternoon was the earliest they could send someone to take care of things. the phone line was cut sometime friday night or saturday morning. the fellow who came yesterday says stuff like this happens all the time. not sure i understand that one. installing a cable line to someone certainly can't require cutting someone else's phone/cable/other line.

on the other hand, i suppose the timing could have been worse. being offline actually forced me to rest, which is a good thing when you're sick. my hubby picked up a cold from mcat over the two days they were down at st. mary's, which he promptly passed on to me. add to that the female stuff happening over the past 5 or 6 days, and i was one miserable chickie. did a lot of sleeping, playing ffx, and, when i actually had something of a brain, reading. i'm still working on getting over the mess, but i'm better than i was sunday and monday. and it definitely could have been worse: it could have hit on saturday night and made us miss my brother's birthday party.

it was interesting getting back online. said hello over i.m. to a few people and the next thing i knew, i was bombarded with "where have you been?" and "i/we were worried about you!" i got quite a bit of email along the same lines as well - it was almost embarrassing, actually. made me think maybe i should take time away from the net more often so it's not so freaky, but when i mentioned that to a friend it got vetoed. lol. it's nice to be so loved, though. i mean, it's not like i do a whole heck of a lot that actually involves me in peoples' lives. granted, there's dii and a few other places i'm a part of, but they aren't places that really have you doing much for other people. a few crits, a little info at dii, some random and occasional comments at other places, nothing big. i do have friends i keep in touch with online via i.m., but i've always figured they'd be busy with their own things - school, work, family, etc - and not notice if i were gone a day or two. okay, so 4 days is a bit longer and probably would get noticed, but it still felt a little . . . overwhelming? not quite sure that's the right word (and i call myself a writer *rolls eyes*).

all of which is to say, i appreciated being missed. hopefully any further clippage will be a long time in happening. ;)

being missed also reminds me of other developments that haven't been mentioned. a friend on i.m. asked me recently about two people who, well, i guess the best phrasing would be walked out of our friendships awhile back (like before the move back). it seems the two ladies in question actually miss me and want to make contact again and asked her to broach the subject to see if i was willing.

to say i was floored would be an understatement.

both had made it clear at the time that they wanted nothing more to do with me, said things about me that were uncalled for. one relationship ended out of the blue, the other . . . well, all things considered, it was no surprise even if her reasons threw me. thing is, for one of them i was more hurt than upset, and not at all angry. the other made me angry, and i did tell her to not bother contacting me again at the time, but it wasn't an anger that stayed. after the anger faded, i was very, very hurt.

with either of them, however, it wasn't a "i will never talk to you again" or a "i hate you" anger. there are few people i hate - in fact, i can only think of two or three that have managed to earn the "i don't ever want to see you or deal with you again" response from me. one was a user. she needed something from me and she was so sweet. but the minute she had what she needed, she turned into a real snobby, backstabbing, two-faced witch. she even went out of her way to steal a boyfriend, whom she later dumped on his butt. i finally got tired of all the snarkiness in my own home and wised up to her little routine and made it clear she was never welcome in my house again for anything. i am a very forgiving girl, as anyone who knew me in cali could tell you, but even i have a line that once crossed, it's done and over with. the other person was my ex-mil. abuse has a tendency to generate a lot of hate, once you realize what's happening, and to this day i can't forgive that woman. her case is one case where god will have to do the forgiving for me, because i just can't do it, even now that she's dead.

beyond that, i have forgiven a lot of people, remained friends with them, welcomed them back in my life when they wanted to come back. it's not that i'm being better than anyone, it's just that i don't see the point. holding grudges doesn't do anything for anyone. it hurts the grudge holder, turning them a little harder, a little more bitter, and does nothing to the person the grudge is being held against. and it keeps both people from growing, from possibly developing an even stronger relationship, from enjoying each other. i believe that people are brought into our lives to be touched in some way, or to touch us in some way. i believe that people are a gift to each other, that touching another's life in a positive way is probably one of the most incredible things we can do as human beings. to hold a grudge over something that was momentary, that was just a flash of emotion, is to deny that belief.

this belief is also why i don't believe in masks, why i try to be who i am no matter what. to touch another person's life with something that's not real just bothers me. and i believe that we touch the lives of everyone we come into contact with, even if it's just saying hello on the street. believing something like that, i mean truly believing something like that, changes how you relate to people. it's scary, but it's also a whole lot of other wonderful things that just require a person to be real.

and it's this belief that makes it so i can let things go. what happened with these two ladies was painful, but neither of them crossed the line into abuser or user, and those moments, as painful as they were, were momentary. there's no reason to tell them, now that the cuts aren't so raw, to stay out of my life. and i enjoyed their friendship while they were around, and have missed them despite the hurt. i'm honored they enjoyed my friendship enough to miss it when it was gone. granted, things will be uncomfortable at first, but hopefully that discomfort won't last long. life is always moving forward, and you can't go with it if you're hanging onto the past. i let go of the pain and moved on awhile back. now it's time to find yet another new, hopefully better, place.

site of the moment:

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
fairy tale knight
word of the moment: definitive

serving to supply a final answer, solution, or evaluation and to end an unsettled unresolved condition; fixed and unalterable in opinion or judgment; most authoritative, reliable, and complete usually with the implication of final and perfected completeness or precision -- used of research, scholarship, or criticism especially of a biographical or historical study or of a text or edition of a literary work or author; serving to define or specify precisely; distinguishing; exact, express, and clearly defined; real, actual, and positive; definite; complete; fully developed; final; issued as a regular stamp for the country or territory in which it is to be used


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