so much to say, and so much that i can't really say right now.

that being said, i think i need to make clear that this is my spot on the web. i pay for it. i created it. this journal is my place to speak my mind, vent my frustrations, share my joys (of which i hope to see a lot more in the future). if no one read it, i would still write here. why here and not on paper? a lot of reasons - it's easier, it's less painful for my hands and wrists, i don't have to worry about the perfectionist in me, the pages are pretty. each of these could be met in another way, but i like them being met here. do i offend people here? occasionally, but that is not my intent. i won't hide my feelings behind some mask. if people don't like what they're reading here, then all they have to do is close their browser and not read. i write about what i'm thinking and feeling and experiencing here. sometimes that's on a collision course with other people in some way - it's happened often enough in the past, but it's not my purpose to offend others. it's my purpose to work through whatever it is i'm working through at the time. that's it. writing is one of the primary ways i do that. and that's what whysper is about. lives that touch mine get mentioned - most of which none of those who do read this mess even know. but whysper is, in reality, my one true place of ego. it's about me - my thoughts, my reactions, my feelings, my experiences - and it's for me, no matter who else is mentioned (which is one reason why i don't use real names in here).

i don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone with that statement (or any other statements made in this journal - though i know more than a few have sounded like it), nor am i trying to be combative or someone who can't be trusted, but neither can i think of a more polite way to say it. and i admit it, i have no tact. i've never said i do. in my journal, i don't think i should have to censor my feelings, or what i think, or what's going on in my life or around me that touches my life. i know there are those who disagree - i've been told this recently and i've been told this in the past. but it goes back to this being my place. and i understand that attitude makes me a hard person to get along with or even like sometimes, but it's also the truth.

and, really, i'm a boring person. there isn't a whole heck of a lot that makes me any different than any other person with a journal online. maybe a little more open than most people, but not really all that different or interesting, so why are any of you reading this anyway? go read a book or something.

really. shoo!

*

there's two things i want for this month: 1. for the roller coaster to quit, and 2. for the month to be over. november has got to be less volatile than october has been.

well, okay, i suppose it could be worse. no, we won't go there.

riding the roller coaster up: the county is apparently finally reviewing my application package. yay! how do i know? they called to clarify several years of unemployment. years when i was married to husband #1, had kids, was being an at home mommy, got divorced, and went to school. yes, indeed, a lot of blank years there. i guess maybe that makes me look like a bum, but it's not like i wasn't busy, just not in a paid employment position. i suppose that could be a reason not to hire me. let's hope not. i need this job. i wanted this job in cali, but the repeated budget cuts threw that out the window. let's hope the lack of employment doesn't kill me chances here. or my age.

riding the roller coaster down: mcat and i had quite a discussion about a few things. it was tough, it was emotional (more for me, i think, but, hell - i do that), but it was also good. i hope. things were confronted, things were clarified. most of all, things were aired out and particular problems were addressed. usually all good things. and, hopefully, some steps will/can now be taken to help us work on our relationship. more than likely there will be more of that rough ride there, because, really, we have way different personalities, but, hopefully this is the first step towards something good, and not just for him and i. but, we'll just start with him and i and see where the future goes from there.

do i still disagree with some of his behavior? yes. but, thank goodness, love and caring having nothing to do with agreement.

we've got a lot of tangled threads in our lives, in our relationship with each other: a sucky childhood, apparently not too charming things said by my stepfather, an adulthood spent on different coasts. there's a lot there to work out. but, hopefully, we can untangle them one thread at a time and one day be able to say, "yea, that's my sister/brother, and we're more than cool - we're damn close friends."

that's if i don't scare him with my wild, irreverent ways first. ;)