i am beginning to realize that there's just some things location won't change, at least not any time soon. like not having a car. not having a car has always been something of an annoyance, but at least in cali everything was within walking distance and what wasn't we could reach by bus. we're not so fortunate out here. buses aren't as prolific, and while things are local, they aren't quite that local.

this lack of vehicle was one reason we were job limited out in cali. despite the good bus system, most employers didn't accept a bus as "reliable transportation." now, in cali, i would have started working instead of saxy if they didn't want $200 for the fingerprinting alone, and then didn't start laying off teachers after cutting the ed budget 4 times. while saxy was primarily a driver/dispatcher, making a vehicle somewhat important to his work (depending on where he worked and the hours), teaching didn't rely on a car for anything other than getting there and the work hours fell within the normal bus operating hours, even taking into account an extra hour to get there and an hour to get home because of taking said bus.

out here, saxy has a ride to and from work, i'm the one who's stuck. so him staying home and me going to work is not an option. no big deal, i'd rather be writing anyway, but we need the money. tuesday night i am going to a workshop i paid for, for a job that i probably won't be able to do, unless they have online classes and don't require my presence on campus. high schools out here start pretty dang early - earlier than saxy needs to go to work. high school is the level i want to teach. i already have squirrelly teens at home, i don't need them at work too, thank you very much, and i am not the type to keep up with a bunch of little kids. i just don't chase very well. i need students i can talk to like adults, for the most part.

once again, it's all becoming a frustration.

if saxy was working a full 40 hours every week without fail, it wouldn't be such an issue. things would be tight, but not feel impossible. since he's not, i need something that gives us at least enough to make up for his missing hours, and preferably will also give us some leeway to start paying off creditors, but i'm fairly stuck here. no car = no transportation for me = no job for me, no matter how part time.

yes, we're waiting on a settlement for the car, but that's not going well. apparently mcat got into a fight with the insurance people because they will not budge above $2100. he even sent proof that similar cars, on average, run between $4000 and $6000. i'm becoming concerned that there's a time limit on when we can accept the insurance company's offer. i realize the $2100 doesn't even pay mcat back what he paid for the car and isn't enough to get us a new one, but $2100 is better than nothing, especially since he needs it to cover something else right now.

maybe god is just trying to remind me of commitments at home? of my dreams to write? is telling me it's not time yet?

still, the same old song - no car = no job = no money to unbury ourselves - get rather tiring after awhile. and now i owe mcat and family too. and our bills are so much higher. yes, we knew that would happen. and, yes, we're going to be able to scrape by, but i would really love to have a time when i don't have to scrape, when i don't have to keep our budget in a delicate balance that gets thrown off by the smallest extraneous purchase. it's aggravating. and, yes, at least we're in a better neighborhood than before. that still doesn't alleviate the frustrating of having to juggle our finances.

i seriously need a different tune. i'm really getting sick of that same old song.