long day yesterday. really long day. the server didn't bounce, it twitched like someone hooked up to electricity. it dropped, it crashed, it bubbled. the one thing it did NOT do was get upgraded. sites were shut down to find the problem, including mine. i told rayna if my sites were the problem and i had to make a choice, i wanted to keep dii up. my .com means a lot to me, but it's just mine. dii belongs to all its member writers. i had to turn off the forum for awhile until rayna and company could figure out what was making the server spike and lock and it wasn't a pretty picture. several of us collected in chat and suffered dii forum withdrawals together. i certainly couldn't torture anybody for however long it would take me to not only find a new server but to pay for it and get everything back online too. besides, i don;t want a lynch mob showing up on my doorstep.

if that were all it was for the day, i probably would have been okay. twitchy and panicky, but okay. rayna's a neat lady. we would have worked things out if it were one of my sites causing the problem. but that wasn't it. the day went downhill from there.

i lost a friend. a friend who thinks i take too much energy to be friends with. a friend who thinks i take and don't give. a friend who decided me being angry meant that i thought our friendship was over. a friend who couldn't come to me when she had a problem, but had to shut down on me instead, and then had to put words in my mouth and give me feelings and thoughts that i have never claimed to have. a friend who apparently felt that i am not worth the effort of trying to work it out. (okay, if i were indeed everything she said and thought and felt everything she seems to think i thought and felt, i would probably have to agree there.) and it hurt me terribly. i'm working through it, i'm not crying any more, but it hurts when someone you care about decides to walk away rather than work things out. i can so seriously become and idiot at times like these and feel so worthless. i know i'm an okay person, but at times like that i seriously don't feel okay and wonder if i should just leave people alone to save both them and me the trouble.

on top of that, another friend and i got into it. granted, we really needed to clear some air between us before the friendship was completely irretrievable, but such things are never pleasant when in the process. it all worked out and i think we're better for it, i feel like some of the relationship that was slipping away has been reestablished, but it was rough for quite awhile there. here i had lost one person i cared about and now it looked like i was about to lose another. i was pretty much a basket case before it was over.

but it didn't stop there. once my sites came back online, i needed to turn the forums back on and found i had locked myself out. (i'll be fixing that today and making two levels of high end admins.) i tried uploaded several files that looked to be a part of the admin and permissions stuff and came up with a cgi error. i originally uploaded said files is ascii, so, out of pure desperation, i reuploaded with the ftp program set to auto detect. thank god that worked or i just might have truly lost it.

course, by that time i was pretty much a stressed out basket case anyway, and i seriously wanted to reboot the day and do a little avoidance.

fortunately the day ended much better than it started. the friendship saved is doing better already (i think) and she and i did a writing session together that seriously felt so good. she got a lot done on a short story, i finished the second lecture in my world building class. after that, i went killed things in ffx-2. when you've had a day like, computer games can be just the thing sometimes.

today i'm still a little twitchy, i sniffle every once in awhile, and i have one nasty headache, but so far there's no major crises that need me, no one telling me they don't want to deal with me, and the server is being wonderful. in a couple of hours i teach my first world building class (the introduction, next week it's planets and mapping) and that's got me a touch freaked, but, all in all, it's definitely a much better day.

and i am so glad yesterday is over.