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sleepless in so-cal
tuesday, october 28, 2003

i'm tired. more than anemic tired. this is insomnia meets night owl tired. for the last week, i've pretty much not been sleeping well. considering i don't sleep much anyway, not sleeping well is bad. i think i got my full 5 or 6 hours once since tuesday or wednesday of last week. other than that, i get maybe 2 or 3 hours late in the afternoon. even hubby is going to bed 2 hours later than usual.

it was so strange today. i fed the dog in an ash sprinkled yard and had to clean out her bowls to feed her and give her fresh water. even now you can step outside and see sprinkles of ash falling. the sky was a kind of glowy orange, as if sunset had come and forgot to leave. and the sky . . . it feels like i'll never see blue again. the sun is out there somewhere, hiding behind smoke and ash.

sometimes i just want that gray blanket to stay. i don't want to see the blackened hills. mountains once green now burned lifeless. i lived up in the mountains for awhile and it hurts just to think about it. i feel like crying.

ash is every where. you can't always see it, but i can feel it on my floor, see it on the bottoms of my bare feet. specks of it float down outside, looking like nothing more than tiny gray snowflakes. they're a lot more dangerous than that, of course. today i'm starting to have trouble breathing. my asthma is starting to act up. you don't need damp cold when you have ash.

550,000 acres. 1600 homes. 16 dead. over $2 billion in damage. and the fires still rage out of control.

and more pain than anyone can imagine.

sleep may be a long while in coming.

site of the moment:
the national book foundation

ring/clique of the moment:
memories lost
word of the moment: burnish

to make shiny or lustrous especially by rubbing; polish; to rub (a material) with a tool for compacting or smoothing or for turning an edge


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