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october blues
saturday, october 4, 2003



i could really skip over the last week and the whole next two months. heck, i could skip over the whole rest of the year except there's an off chance saxy might find a job and skipping that would be bad.

it's been an unfun couple of weeks.

and my unfun weeks get to end (or continue, with the way it's been going) with me turning 40 tomorrow. without the compensation of presents. course the numbers are only confirming what my body has been telling me all along: i'm old and getting older on a daily bases.

my own fault. i really need to do the exercise thing.

anyway, so, unfun couple of weeks. started with non-doctor obgyn appointment. men, stop bitching about your prostate exam. until you have all the exams women have, you don't have that much to bitch about.

last thursday i received my letter from antioch: denied. at least they didn't do anything totally unexpected i suppose, but, yea, i was pretty shaken up about it. however, they tell applicants to call and speak with someone on the admissions board about what would make their applications stronger for next time. when i call, no one answers except the voice mailbox and no returns the messages i leave.

hell, i'm almost certain it's an lack of experience/education thing, which makes it pointless to reapply since i can't afford to fix that. if i ever get my novel done and published, they'd probably change their minds then. not that that would help me much in getting prepared for the job i want right now.

then there was the ultrasound (repeat earlier statement about men not bitching here), which almost had to be scheduled because i didn't have enough liquid in my system at the right time. fortunately there's another way to get the same results and it turned out to be more comfortable than the standard ultrasound.

and now i'm turning 40. unpublished (well, i have an article in a nonpaying zine, but i can't count it because the zine is hosted on my server), unemployed and unemployable, not a single goal met in my life.

i think, in addition to skipping october, i can live with skipping christmas. this looks to be one of those years where the depression just might get worse because of the lack of holiday joy.

it will get better, it always does. but i think i'd rather skip straight to the getting better part. i've had enough of all the stuff between things going bad and getting better to last at least 2 or 3 lifetimes.

i knew i was older than dirt.

site of the moment:
kodaishi

ring/clique of the moment:
writer
word of the moment: acumen

keenness and depth of perception, discernment, or discrimination especially in practical matters


 


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