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in my head
thursday, september 25, 2003



i've been thinking about writing, but there's just been too much in my head, too much to deal with. most of its been little things so no one thought would really make a journal entry. a paragraph here, another there, it would just be a waste of time. and i think i'm still fighting a mild depression. who really wants to write when they're stressed out, a bit overwhelmed, and mildly depressed? my biggest concern is that it's making me more than a bit irritable of late. i may be on a bit of a roller coaster at the moment, but no one else should suffer for it.

so, for the first big question: yes, i did go to my appointment. no, nothing definite on the surgery yet. kaiser tends to rely too much on nurse practitioners and the like. today i didn't see a obgyn-md, i saw an obgyn-np. it takes an obgyn-md to get a recommendation for a surgery. and i can't see the obgyn-md for about 3 months. i need to track my periods and how heavy they are, get an ultrasound to rule out fibroids, have a blood test at the heaviest point in my period, and have a mammogram, and all those test results have to be in before i can call and see the obgyn-md. now, i swear i told the receptionist that i wanted to discuss the possibility of a hysterectomy, but apparently i had to go and see the np first because of an abnormal test from like 5 years ago.

yea, it boggles my mind too. you'd think an abnormal test would warrant an obgyn-md, but whatever. i'll do their thing and hopefully get this settled early next year. i can wait another few months.

but i'm worried even then the obgyn-md won;t recommend it. it seems the only way anyone, male or female, will understand what i go through every month is to go through it themselves. see, i explained my problem, in detail, to the np and she said they don't usually recommend surgery for heavy periods. she didn't get that this is more than just "heavy." i won't reiterate all the details here, but something that keeps me up 2 nights and requires that i use the heaviest available protection in triplicate and still have to change every hour to hour and a half is NOT just "heavy." and i'm worried that i won't be able to convey this to the doctor and continue to have to deal with something that is literally making me physically ill, eating up my body's resources faster than i can replace them, and would cause problems with me working even if jobs were available.

perhaps i'm worrying too much. i hope so. i really, really hope so.

as for other things, a big one is our financial status. every time saxy mentions a new movie coming out or one of our favorite groups coming out with a new album, i cringe. the kids all need school supplies and every last one of them is starting to outgrow things, from clothing to shoes. i think they all need socks and underwear. i can barely afford food and utilities at the moment. i avoid the checkbook, i avoid phone calls, and i have no patience with anyone whining about money problems even though they have a job.

then there's the m.f.a. program - still no word. and now that the cool weather is coming back, we're trying to get gypsy back into training. not only am i having trouble remembering to do it, she's not cooperating. and there are dozens of other little things, each nothing on their own, but little things can pile up into one big burden. i just hope i can keep carrying it.

once again i'm tired. yes, i'm always tired, but this is more than physically. i'm tired of fighting to survive. people say i'm a strong woman. well, it's because of all the fighting i've had to do for just about everything. you either get strong or you break and i have too many people relying on me to break. but now i think i'm strong enough and i would just like some relief. a lot of relief. enough relief to last the rest of my life.

site of the moment:
kodaishi

ring/clique of the moment:
writer
word of the moment: acumen

keenness and depth of perception, discernment, or discrimination especially in practical matters


 


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