actually, my sugar fix is only one small part of what i am thinking about today. it's more like a health fix - where my health is at and how to get better. and i really do need to get better. i have a family that needs me, particularly a son who may never leave my home to live on his own and would need a support from his family even if he did. and i am so very tired of being sick all the time. it is wearing. it takes away time and productivity for other things. and, yes, it looks like i'm sick yet again, possibly with strep, yet again - it feels the same anyway. i'll probably head into the emergency clinic on saturday if i'm not feeling any better by then. and i am tired of being heavy, tired of hurting when i try to do something. i'm not sure if there's much that can be done about my back and hips, but i want to try.

i'm not saying that fixing all this will make me happier or anything, but it will certainly make life less frustrating. i'm not even expecting to get down to the 120 pounds i'd love to be again someday. what i want to do is strengthen my back, get off the sugar, and increase my mobility.

sugar, i crave it, i'm addicted to it. it may or may not be part of the addictive personalities that go with adhd, the self-medicating people with adhd often do to control the spin of their world. and when i say "get off" the sugar, i don't mean completely. i've tried that before, i can't do it. but i was in weight watchers once and found that i can use it as a reward. i get through the day eating the way i'm supposed to and i give myself a cookie, or whatever. of course, it was easier then since the grocery store right next door had a bakery and i could buy a single cookie instead of storing the suckers in my house. storing them in my house is bad, very bad. storing any sweets in my house is a challenge to my control, particularly when the cravings hit and nothing but sweets will do.

i figure it for a carbo-fixation. so sometimes i can substitute healthier things: bread, potatoes, rice. but sometimes nothing but sugar will do, period. it's my little demon. i can often reduce my intake dramatically for months, then i find myself on a completely out of control sugar spree that often takes weeks to get out of. then i go through the whole process of bringing it back down and keeping it down for several months all over again.

sugar is not why i'm heavy. calories and lack of exercise are why i'm heavy. i swear i'm allergic to exercise. a family tendency towards heaviness makes me heavy and makes it harder for me to not be heavy. not being heavy may not be an option. but i do believe there is a healthy heavy and an unhealthy heavy. my heaviness right now is very unhealthy. when it hurts to climb the stairs, or a walk around a small block puts you out of breath, it's unhealthy. and that's what's got to change.

remember the allergy to exercise i mentioned? it's time to get over it, but i haven't exercised in ages. some time back i went hunting for exercise dvd's and got very lost because things are not what they used to be. well, i've made my selection and ordered two tai-chi dvd's, one for beginners and another for weight loss. it is my hope that starting with gentle movements will be less traumatic to my body than say the muscle toning of pilates or the joint jarring of anything aerobic. i hope there's something in there to start strengthening my back and lessening the pain i feel when i try to walking around too much. and i hope i can stick with it.

maybe once i've settled into the routine i'll deal with the sugar fix.