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morning overload
tuesday, february 25, 2003

since my anemia pushed my adhd out of control, i find i get more overwhelmed far easier than i used to. it's odd. i need a little bit of "distraction" to manage or i don't get anything done, but get too much going and my brain threatens to shut down. so, i can write, read boards, and check email, but throw a phone call in there and i'm lost. perhaps some, or a lot, of that has to do with being able to decide what i'm doing when as well. i can decide to look at a board or journal when working on something else, but incoming phone calls are pretty much out of my control.

things were more than a little nuts yesterday morning. by noon, my brain was becoming fried vegetable, by two i was gone and pretty much incapable of doing much that required a lot of thought on my part. at 9:30 in the morning i was teaching a class at dreaming. now, i'm not the best person in the mornings. it takes me at least 30 minutes to make any sense and an hour to be awake enough to eat or be sociable or anything else. saxy had to leave at 9 for his job interview (we're still waiting for the final word, but things look pretty good), i was up by 9:15, and in the classroom on time.

the next thing i know, the phone is ringing, the dog is being nuts because he's not home, his mother is stopping by, and i'm hitting frequency overload. saxy called and i had to hunt down the ex to get him a ride to the place for the drug and tb testing. also come to find out that the child support deposited hadn't been credited to the account so saxy wasn't able to withdraw the money to actually pay for the tb test. saxy gets home, we have to work this mess out between linnorm and the bank, then saxy takes off again to finish off everything he needed to do. i managed to finish the class, just barely, only to find that the chat program wasn't hanging onto the whole session so we lost quite a bit of the transcript. (a couple of members are working on an irc solution, but that has yet to be set up for us.)

i admit, by the time my son got home, i wasn't able to handle much and did the rare thing of sitting him in front of the tv for the afternoon. the morning was also starting to hit like a sledge hammer. i'm not used to being up that early in the morning any more much less having the day explode. now, i know i need to get used to all of the above, especially if saxy gets this job, but having it happen the first day had me ready to go back to bed by three. i got pretty much nothing else done. my muse has already been on somewhat shaky ground since i came down with strep throat. by mid-afternoon yesterday, she had shut down and she has yet to make much of a reappearance.

i don't like being like this. i know what's causing it, but i remember the days when i could manage all this stuff without so much as a blink. that it's my own fault upsets me even more. i am the idiot who was up from 6 am to 10 pm, most of that time in class or doing homework, and eating only one meal a day. i pushed myself too hard and too far and made myself anemic. and that anemia has changed everything. i want to be able to manage my crazy days again. without medication. i want to be the strong woman my kids are used to seeing, not this weak person who finds herself wanting to crawl back into bed just because things got a little out of hand that morning. this is not depression, this is frustration. knowing what i was and seeing what i am now is a very frustrating experience that i am still adjusting to. i just wish the crazy days would wait until all that adjustment had been accomplished.

course, i've been like this for 2 or 3 years. you'd think if i was going to adjust, i would have done it by now.

site of the moment:
ring/clique of the moment:
word of the moment: compel

to drive or urge forcefully or irresistibly; to cause to do or occur by overwhelming pressure


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