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saturday, november 2, 2002

nothing teaches you the importance of taking meds more than having a parent with a mental disorder. at least in my house, nothing does.

mother's off her meds again and her paranoid delusions are beginning to escalate. i can always tell. she calls, kind of panicked sounding asking if we're ok. she doesn't respond to questions correctly, although she does try. sometimes she doesn't respond at all. which i think is her way of avoiding saying something completely inappropriate in response to the question. it doesn't take me long to figure out something is up. usually my concerns are answered with "i can't explain it," but i can be a pushy bitch and the truth of what's going on does come out.

someone's trying to hurt her, again. no she's not on her meds because the "doctor" says she doesn't need them. all bullshit.

i can't deal with this and i can't deal with her when she gets this way. next thing you know she'll be pulling another disappearing act and i'll be cleaning out her room and going through her stuff like she'd dead. it's too much to handle, even though my family seems to think i should handle it despite the fact that i'm trying to raise my own kids and have my own concerns about survival.

yea, i'm the black sheep, the daughter gone bad who doesn't give a damn about her mother. not that that's true, but that's how i'm perceived. i've been pretty much cut off from the family because i won't do my daughterly duty and turn my life upside down to take care of my mother. forget that it takes money i don't have and that i have 4 kids who need me, i am supposed to set my entire life aside when my mother needs me.

and no one understands the hell i went through, particularly as a teenager, because of this. it was very traumatic for me to realize how sick my mother really is. and her behavior didn't just mark her, it marked both of us. i became known as her daughter. her family watched me for signs of the disease. the cops new me because of how many times they had to transport my mother to the mental ward at the county hospital.

is it any wonder i want nothing to do with her when she's losing it again?

why couldn't have a family without these issues and that has some semblance of closeness. i want that for my kids, but can't provide it. my mother's family refuses to have anything to do with me until i take care of her. my stepfather's family gave up on me when they divorced and i haven't a freaking clue about my biological father. even my brother and i are half a country away and rarely talk.

i'm it. and i just don't have the energy to spare to deal with her, my mother. i've told her not to call unless she's on meds. it won't help. i'm sure she thinks "they" got to me. that i'm against her now too.

the really sad thing in all this is that my mother is a really smart woman. she just thinks the clock talks to her, bad evil men are out to get her, and someone's using a mind machine to torture her. on good days she thinks she's queen of the world and has a chateau in france waiting for us. we even got invited to the coronation. she wonderfully artistic, but the delusions get in the way and she hasn't done any art in years.

my only next step will be to hang up on her when she calls. i don't want to do that. as uncomfortable as i am dealing with her, i don't want to lose all connection or risk sending her spiraling completely out of control. if our laws allowed it, i'd have her back in the mental ward in a heartbeat, but she's not a danger to herself or others (yet) and she's supporting herself.

more and more it's looking like i'll have to cut off all contact. i still have my sanity. i'd like to keep it.

please god, don't ever have me put my kids through this. i'd rather die first.

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