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stress mixer
thursday, september 12, 2002

the stress is getting to me. big time. financial in particular, but there are a few other things just starting to eat at me. a lot of it is that time of the month - it' the one time i feel everything just a little more than usual. then there's the storm headaches. yea, this has been a sucky week. and all you ever need to see your inadequacies is to be poor, emotional, sick, and practically trapped into your situation.

the professor got my paper, but said he flunked me and will need the second paper to change the grade. no comment on what the grade of the paper i sent in was, no reason why my incomplete should become an "f" before my year is up, just 'get me paper two then i'll change your grade'. i emailed back asking when he changed the grade from an "i" to an "f" and why, and reiterating my questions about the paper i did send. not holding my breath for a response.

whether we stay in california (highly unlikely) or move (very likely), i need this cleared up asap. so all my writing, including the novel i'm finally motivated on again, is on hold till i get this other paper done. i can't get my degree posted until this is settled, i can't DO anything until the degree is posted, i have a freaking graduation ring for THIS year. yes, this paper is a priority. to my complete astonishment (and the one piece of good news), i can still use my university i.d. to access the databases i need to be able to do the research. thank god for HUGE favors.

my headaches have been severe this week though. i mean, lay on the couch and cry bad. when my period hit, it became lay on the couch, cry, and hope i don't throw up bad. yea, tmi, but it's pretty much made it impossible to think, write, be creative, be a good person. i thought today the headaches were so bad (even the advil wasn't helping for once) that maybe there was a sinus infection as well, but it seems to be clearing up at the moment. for how long, god only knows. the next storm that passes through will wipe me out.

then there was the cable bs this week. first we were going to pay the bill, then we weren't because they were jerking saxy around about how much to pay them, then that got settled and we pay it only to find 1/3 of the channels that should be working aren't. we call on that. it will cost as much as the bill we just paid for them to come out and check the damn cable to make sure it's not the problem. the company that installed all this crap will come out for around $50. i feel like we bought the equipment and didn't even know it (i certainly don't recall being told we now owned the transceiver and both dishes, anyway) and am now paying for upkeep i had no idea i had to pay for. it's insane.

i am beginning to hate california. i hate the job market, i hate the expense of living here. i hate that we can't get any higher than one step above being on the street. i hate our neighborhood. course, i suppose that's been a given for awhile.

ok, i need to stop bitching and go start on that paper. to end on a positive/motivational note: "if you wait for someone to encourage you to do something, you'll never do it." cher. i'm just going to keep reminding myself of that when it comes to my writing.

site of the moment:
Shades of Me
ring of the moment:
word of the moment: iridescent

having or exhibiting a lustrous rainbowlike play of color caused by differential refraction of light waves (as from an oil slick, soap bubble, or fish scales) that tends to change as the angle of view changes or having or exhibiting a lustrous or attractive quality or effect