glimmers of hope
wednesday, may 15, 2002


after days of rants (on the few days i have managed to write), i can finally write a more pleasant entry. i'm not usually as negative and angry as i've been the last few weeks. things are just hard. most days now i feel like i'm trying to slog through hip-deep mud when all i want to do is just sit down. and when you're struggling so hard, new trials are that much harder to handle. i'm also finding that i'm to the point where i can't really pay attention to much else: due dates are being ignored, paperwork isn't being filled out. my sole focus is, generally, getting done.

but then there is the after. after the last class, after the last paper, after the last test. and that's where some glimmerings seem to be trying to work themselves out.

my biggest hope - and i am trying not to hope too hard - is the mfa program that put my application on hold until spring semester. so they said. a recent email (the one that inspired the last major explosion) indicated that there is the possibility that i would be considered for fall if someone dropped. that doesn't mean that i'm accepted, only that my application will be looked at if someone doesn't make it for the fall program. since i thought the app was being held until spring, this has confused me, but, really, all i want is to get in and i don't even care when. saxy and i are already discussing what to sell on the off chance i do get accepted so i can get there.

but, if that doesn't work out, not all is lost. i am working towards my teaching options and getting advice from people in the know. i know which district i need to apply to that's still giving emergency credentials and practically a guaranteed hire. they're also paying $5,000/year than the district we live in. the bad news is i will absolutely have to have a car to do it. the district is over an hour away by car so a bus would be impossible or pretty close to it. IF i could get hud to move us closer to the district in question, that would work too, but i have to be careful on the city we choose since saxy is really heat sensitive. i've also been told how to go about getting work as a sub, how to get through the credential program, and even been given an offer of help through the application process when the time comes.

so there is hope and i'm not alone. it's just going to be a matter of getting there. for awhile there i was beginning to wonder why i even bothered. it really was looking like all the work and all the effort was going to lead to nothing. now it looks like the road may be a little longer than i thought, but there is something good at the end. one way or the other, it will all be worth it.