friday, november 16, 2001
no life

for the past 8 weeks i have had no life. it's been eaten up by classes and illness. with 2 weeks left, i've managed to stumble and lose all the work i've done in one class. so i didn't make it to the end as i hoped. instead, i have to now take 16 units my last quarter too. i'm depressed about this. i shouldn't be - i can't help it i have been sick this entire time, and that this particular instructor (as sweet as she is) heavily weights attendance by giving 5 point quizzes every day. long and short of it: the quizzes killed me. i was passing with everything else, but the number of missed quizzes have made it impossible for me to pass the class at all. i might be able to get something in a 'd' range, but that's not passing. so i am electing to try to do a drop after census so i get a 'w' on my transcript instead of a 'd' or 'f'. i guess the long and short of it is that i pushed myself too hard. but i really thought i could get through it.

what it comes down to is that i hate the limitations placed on me by my health. it's a lot harder for me to find my boundaries now. people in the past have said that with everything i deal with i'm some kind of superwoman and my response has always been 'i just do what i need to do'. now days it seems like i have to pick and choose what a need is more than i used to: i just can't get everything i need and want done when i want it done, and it's frustrating the hell out of me.

now, because of my own limitations and because i pushed myself beyond them and made myself sick for 7 weeks, i have to take 16-18 units in spring, instead of the original 12-14 i had planned. now, i have another class to make up. i will be taking shakespeare that quarter and wanted as little work with it as possible, and now, i have more work with it than i really wanted to deal with. on top of that, i won't be able to take a course i want to take that is only offered in spring. what little i was doing for my own life has been taken away. i try to have one class each quarter that can apply to my degree but that i will like (afterall, there's way too much a person has to take that s/he doesn't like, one likable class isn't too much to ask). i was considering myth & mysticism for spring and now i can't do that. worse, i can't have anymore screw ups or i will be stuck for summer or one more quarter.

i hate the limitations. i hate watching to make sure i haven't pushed too far. i hate being sick.

but, i know this all may be for the best and that the point is to get the b.a. so, once again, i'm off. homework calls.

2 weeks...than i can have a life again. i'm looking forward to it. first on my schedule: sleep. lots of sleep.