thursday, november 8, 2001
taking risks

it's noon and i have been home an hour. i should be in class. but i went to my writing class and left early (picked up the stories to review for tuesday and took off) and won't be going back until my last lit class of the day. just not up to the whole day thing right now. i keep telling myself, '3 more weeks, that's it, you can make 3 more weeks', but sometimes i wonder. i have been continuously sick for 5 weeks (going on 6), not with the same thing the whole time mind you, but i haven't been able to get completely well in between. and i have people yelling at me now - friends, teachers, my doctor's nurse; my counselor badgered me into sleeping in this weekend (he wanted to take a long break but sleeping in works). and i'm fading fast in classes, even the one i enjoy. i am behind in everything with almost no hope of being completely caught up any time soon. saxy says he's waiting for people to yell at him for not making me take better care of myself. (his comment: i'd have to ask them, 'do you know who you;re talking about? you can't make her do anything!' to which i said, 'then they'll tell you to trick me into it.' he just looked at me like i lost my mind.)

i've been skating on thin ice since about the 4th week of classes. i'm managing to get stuff in, but just barely and not at my usual level of quality. too many rough drafts are hitting instructors this time around. and it's a good thing i'm not aiming for the a's cuz i won't get them. the best news is only a couple of instructors are "counting" attendance, and even one of them (the writing prof of all people!) is letting it all kind of slide a bit because i have been so sick. heck, i should get a damn medal just for not giving up at this point. anyway, my projections: psych will be an a only because i have managed the tests so far (i am taking one on monday and that should be an a and i got 100% on the first one - that leaves the final and it counts the same as the others and i doubt i'll choke that badly); writing - no clue here, i have no feel for the class or the prof at all but at this point, probably a b because he's not into my genre; women writers, a b+ since i am doing better with the papers but not consistently and my test score wasn't that hot; teaching english b+ or maybe an a- (she is cutting me some slack), and american lit 2 will probably be a b but there's a chance of a c in that class - it has my worst attendance record and my grades in there have been steadily falling since i aced the first test. think is, i just can't push myself as hard right now, or i will land in the hospital.

3 weeks and i can crash for a bit. like 2 or 3 weeks. well, i need that 3rd week to get my mfa apps out..and christmas.

and i never have to take 20 freaking units again - ever.

the whole thing is a mess right now: i go to classes and try to catch up and do all the work and i risk my health. i give in to the need to rest and i risk my grades, my graduation date, and my mfa program. i hate no win situations.

so far i am surviving on medication - and i mean everything that will keep me semi upright while clearing up congestion and coughing. it's been real entertaining. this weekend i plan to use some unisom to help knock my butt out so i can get sleep. now, see, it's not that i don't want to sleep or anything, it's my asthma being triggered almost every single frickin night. sometimes two or three times in the space of a few hours. you just canNOT sleep when you're coughing that bad. and i will be good and rest in the a.m.'s - at least a little. i can read in bed right? even if its a textbook - that wouldn't be considered cheating too badly would it? anyway, i am trying to eat a bit better and on a regular schedule. i've dropped some extra activities until i get through this. and, as of tomorrow, i will be back on ALL my regular prescriptions that lapsed due to lack of fundage ($75 for the lot of them folks...and that's a lot of money to us!). really, i am trying to reduce the risks. but they just won't be settled until the quarter is over.

3 weeks. that's it. 3 weeks then finals. i can get through that.