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thursday, november 1, 2001
more issues

yes, yes, i know i said i wouldn't be updating, but there are times when things are just so heavy on your mind that you have to let them out in some way. i have been sick for 3 weeks now (just came down with strep throat - oh joy...NOT) and feel like crap. when i feel like crap i dwell on things, and not good things. i am stressed and a lot of stuff is going on, with most of it really getting on my nerves. it doesn't take much when i am stressed and not feeling well. but, generally, i end up focusing on something specific, and this time isn't much different. the difference is that i an do something about it this time, although none of my choices particularly appeal to me at the moment. i hate having to choose the best option out of a bad lot.

about two and a half months ago the lady that took care of my kids when i was in jr. college came back into our lives. her situation over the last year or so had pretty much gone from bad to worse to crap. she'd been out on the street, in an abusive relationship, has health issues that are more serious than mine, been in a shelter, and basically has had just about everything taken away except her son, and even that is, apparently, possible since buggs has an open abuse case from his dad and cpss is being their typical all or nothing selves and watching her as well as dad.

when she finally got a hold of us again, she was supposedly the roommate of another woman from the shelter who was taking her for anything she could get. the woman had gotten the apartment on vouchers (i.e. she didn't pay any move in costs, the state did) and des'tynie's responsibility was supposed to be the utilities. she didn't let des'tynie do the hookups though, she called and used des'tynie's info to set things up. already things are unbalanced because des'tynie wasn't on the lease, didn't have a room and was paying for utility deposits herself while the state paid for the woman's move-in costs. then, 2 weeks later, the woman was also demanding an additional $200 from her, which was pretty much all the money she had. at least this is what she told us, and, at the time, we had no reason to believe otherwise. now we wonder exacty how much she's telling is the truth.

so saxy and i decide to help. she's an old friend in bad straights trying to get things straightened out, you know? we got her on our lease, told her what she would be paying, and let her move in. this was a mutual decision by us. we wanted to help an old friend get back on her feet.

big mistake.

and not for the reasons you would think. miss des'tynie is pissing me off. i have never seen anyone with the kind of bad luck she has, i mean seriously NOTHING goes right for this woman. but that would just be something to feel bad for her for if it weren't for the fact that she also seems to have her priorities completely out of whack and needs both an attitude adjustment and to get a few things straight. we are to the point of seriously considering asking her to leave.

right now she owes us for october's rent and utilities and november's rent. in september her purse was stolen and, of course, her i.d. was in it. so she gets her checks but can't do anything with them because she has no i.d. to show to cash them. this would be no big except, as far as i know, she hasn't gone to get the i.d. replaced. she barrows money so she can pay her storage fees, and in the meantime we are supporting her and her son, something we can ill afford at the moment. last week one of her social workers and us each pitched in to give her the money to finally go get the thing replaced. i have no idea if she's managed to find time in her busy schedule to do so. as far as i can tell, anything else comes first. she does buy food but not only do we not eat that much of what she buys, even if we did it would not cover as much as we are paying to keep a roof over her head. add to that that we live in income based housing. her income is being counted in with ours to determine our rent and i know for a fact that we paying about $100 more in rent by having her here. if she's still here in december and if the back rent remains unpaid, she will be told to pay up or move.

assuming we wait even that long.

one of the biggest issues right now is her level of disrespect for saxy. i understand he;s not the most social of people, but he doesn't mean it personally towards anyone. he's just never been very good in social situations. and i know he still has a lot of issues to work out as a stepparent. trust me, he knows too. but things are still far better now than they were when i kicked him out. des'tynie refuses to see the fact that he's trying, much less that he has managed some very positive changes. her negative attitude and disrespect for him could fill a deep ocean. she's still calling our home 'my' (as in me, domynoe) home as if he has no place here. from what saxy says, when i'm not around and she tries to talk to him (while he's doing homework, go figure), if she doesn't get the response she wants she lays into him. and she jumps on anything she sees in his responses towards that kids that she views as wrong ~ and that i have seen/heard myself. she gives him lip and attitude, she mutters the most disrespectful things under her breath about him.

saxy has tried to keep the peace here. he's not confronted her on it and hasn't wanted me to either. one reason is she's accused him of "telling domy everything" she says just to cause trouble and often insinuates she knows more that she's not telling because she knows he'll "go running" to me with it. well, hell, i'm his wife. why the hell shouldn't he talk to me? as a couple and as a family we do better when we talk about the issues that are affecting us either as individuals or as a group. now there have been times when i have mentioned something to her that she supposedly said or did and she's denied it. but i'll tell you right now, i will believe saxy before i believe her. i've watched her play the mind games and lie straight faced for no reason at all.

as for interfering with him and the kids, it's not her place to do anything about that. and this is where she needs to get something straight. she has the crazy idea that MY kids are HER kids too. i admit, she was raising them when i went to junior college. i hardly saw them for that 18 months. but 18 months don't hold a candle to 12 years (kitten), 10 years (jewel), 7 years (taz) and 6 years (shebop). i gave birth to them. i have raised them. i take care of them. she watched them for a period of time while i was in school and they have developed a deep affection for her. but they are NOT her kids. and her interference is completely inappropriate. she has NO RIGHT to question saxy when it comes to the kids unless he's beating the crap out of them, which he would never do. the only person who can call his behavior towards the kids into question is ME. i'm his wife and their mother. she's a family friend. huge difference there.

now she goes into this whole thing about how she and i are sisters, but i can tell you what: there is almost nothing sisterly about our relationship. she manages to talk almost nonstop about her life without sharing anything of deep meaning or value. she's constantly telling us, 'if you knew what was really going on, you'd want nothing to do with me'. well, 1. i am already pretty damn close to not wanting anything to do with her, and 2. if we were really sisters, then shouldn't she give me the benefit of the doubt and share all this deep personal stuff she seems determined to hide instead? i mean, come on, my brother and i have a deeper relationship than she and i do and we hardly even talk to each other! (all those long distance calls get expensive.)

and she's interfering with MY raising of my kids. she's usurping MY place as a person for them to confide in. and she's providing them a role model of lies, dishonesty and irresponsibility...and i see it taking affect. she is undermining our authority as parents. and this pisses me off as much as her attitude towards saxy, which cannot help but rub off on the kids and influence their view of him as well. and then she turns around and blames them for her behavior! at night we like it quiet around here. the little ones go to bed before anyone else and they won't sleep if it's noisy, especially taz. up until i told her to stop, she was going upstairs in the older girls' room and goofing off with them almost every night. this would be ok except it gets quite loud and boisterous. when i finally confronted her about it, she said, "i knew they would get me in trouble. see, i stay up there with buggs and listen to my stereo." i had to look at her and say, "no you don't. i hear your voice up there and have gone up and seen you in their room."

only one person matters: herself. she would say her son matters more, but we have seen behavior that would indicate otherwise. we have no problem watching him since we don't go out much anyway and he's a very quiet and respectful kid, but of late we're watching him almost every night. when saxy and i are doing homework, she has absolutely no problem with capturing our attention and then yakking our ears off with irrelevant nonsense for HOURS. if saxy turns back to homework, he's rude. if i tell her i have homework to do, it's 'ok' but less than an hour later she's at it again.

the whole issue with saxy is bothering me big time. the man that she in the abusive relationship with when she landed on the streets and in the shelter is back in her life. she's giving him yet another chance (at least the 3rd or 4th since he trashed her finances buy using bill money for drugs, and don't even ask for the number of chances prior to that), and she can't step back and give saxy the benefit of the doubt? she has "friends" who completely abandoned her, made everything they failed to do her fault, and she will accept their apologies and move on but won't give saxy a chance even though he's done nothing to her?

and all this is just the big stuff. we aren't going into the phone calls at all hours; the silly teenybopper attitude/behavior that just seems plain ridiculous in a woman in her late 20s/early 30s; the insane increase in the use of tp, butter, and milk (which she claims to not be responsible for); the stupid stunts she pulls sometimes; the myriad of little things that just rub us the wrong way or seem suspicious or outright wrong. a lot of what she does is just completely beyond our understanding, really.

she's been house-sitting this week and the relative peace has been kinda of nice. relative and kind of because we still have to deal with things that involve her, just usually a little less directly (except for a phone call from her that neither saxy and i know what to make of). school and health issues are making it a lot less enjoyable as well. but the big things is we are seriously talking about what to do about this. do we wait until december? do we wait and see if she finally got an i.d. and will pay us. do we sit down and talk to her (i'm less enthusiastic about this one not so much because i can't lay it on the line to her, but because of how she would take it out on saxy when i'm not around)?

so far we're leaning towards waiting until december, to see if she will pay. it just seems more justifiable to toss her out for not holding up her end of the finances than to throw her out because she needs a reality check. it would be so much easier if she would just move out on her own, perhaps with one of these other friends she spends so much more time with. but des'tynie never makes anything easy for some reason.

at this point, i'm not making any bets on her lasting until december at all.

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