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friday, august 31, 2001
moving on

first, thank you to everyone who expressed concern in one way or another over the last few days. i am fine. really. i wanted to post that yesterday but, while emotionally recovering, physically i dived. i was VERY sick and didn't do a whole heck of a lot online.

it is so nice to be able to say i am fine. and really mean that i am fine. honestly. it is even nicer to be able to be sad and depressed and generally idiotic for a day or two and then bounce back. bouncing back is wonderful.

i didn't always bounce back.

in high school i had serious problems with depression and moodiness (which is probably a clue of where my daughter gets it from). i mean, we are talking suicidal depressed. i hated life, i hated most people. i used them to get what i wanted and once i had it found out i didn't really want it after all.

i can hear some of you going, "oh..yea right!" already.

but it's true. i was a very nasty horrid teenager and i am more than glad none of you knew me then. for those of you who did and happen to stumble on this site, i am sorry. what can i say. i was messing with the wrong stuff (and no, not sex, drugs and rock 'n roll..and the rock 'n roll may have helped my popularity rating!), the child of divorce, and had a mother already showing signs of mental illness. this may not make my behavior any less despicable, and it certainly doesn't excuse it, but it may help explain it. unstable was the essence of my life: my mother was unstable, i'd moved close to twice as many times as i was old, and i was probably the least popular kid in school there ever was (seriously, saka). being a little nutso was inevitable.

funny how all that craziness, all that instability, all the teenage junk actually has helped me become a more flexible adult. i have learned to accept myself and all those little quirks of mine that would drive anyone crazy. and i locked up the worst outcome of depression. it is not available to me and never will be.

fortunately this wasn't as bad as the depression that took me into my worst darkness. fortunately i rarely suffer a depression that bad. fortunately i have people who love me and help me through.

i am fine.

my children's problems are not because i am a bad mother. my son's autism occurred so early in the pregnancy i didn't even know i was pregnant (so says the newest findings on autism) and i am certainly mot responsible for my genetics. my youngest has a bad case of adhd and adhd can be simplified down to "see=do". basically it is impulse control: those with in the moderate to severe categories of adhd have little to no impulse control. they see something they want, they take it without even beginning to think of the consequences. this does not excuse her behavior, just puts it into perspective. phoenixcat is going through the usual teenage stuff, and jewel is starting the usual teenage stuff (joy, TWO hysterical pmsing teens in the house, ewwwwww!). this in no way reflects on my parenting skills.

too bad i can't be quite so logical when i am spiraling downward and seeing nothing but my failures and my mistakes.

but there is one thing i now know i need to overcome: my tendency to limit myself and, as a result, others - including my kids. a lesson begun with my husband's struggle to get into school.

you see, that whiny, less than b average, manipulative, hateful kid became a single mother of 4 (including a multiple differently-abled boy) who went to school, carried 20+ units a semester and maintained a 4.0 and still managed to do for herself and her kids. and it wasn't until saxy told me about an incident at his orientation that i realized how much of an accomplishment that is in today's world.

there was, sitting behind him, a lady making comments throughout the orientation. we all do that, someone asks a really dumb question that has been answered, and we groan and mumble "geeze, it;s right there in black and white" or whatever. well, the counselors were talking about load and advised people to take only 12 units. they apparently explained that a lot of students try to take 20 or more units, which can have a lot of consequences (and it does - i will be anemic for the rest of my life. lesson learned: take care of yourself and don't push so hard, health is a precious thing to have). and this woman apparently said something to the order of, "yea right. obviously they don't have any kids."

so let me tell you something. if you have something going on that's dragging you down or a task that you are looking at that's impossible, just remember THIS woman overcame her past, had FOUR kids, including a disabled boy, carried 20 units, maintained a 4.0, and HAD A LIFE while doing it!

and i will get my credential and my mfa. and i will get published. the only limit is myself and my belief in myself.

if i can do it, any one me.

i can revel in moving onward now. tomorrow i may be stepping back again, but it won't last too long.

for now i can be proud of myself.

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