thursday, june 7, 2001
verge

i am on the verge of being overwhelmed. not really frustrated or depressed, just frantic. seems hard times and depression are in the water these days and, much like another friend, i see so many hurting and can't do anything. even my humor is failing me. then there's schools and finances and all the usuals of my life. some days it just feels like i should be doing more even though i am already frenetic and top the scale with too much too do and too little time. on these days i really question my sanity, especially when i am looking into yet something else that i want to do. jack of all trades, master of none, and completely unfocused. that's me.

this quarter has been so nice. i haven't really felt like i was losing my footing or that i had far too much to do. the classes, even the ones that have been driving me nuts, have been reasonably paced with little in the name of work really. okay, so the fiction class has quite a bit, but it is a writing class and has a lot less than it could have had. regardless, it has been overall a very enjoyable quarter. so why has the end of the quarter hit like a ton of bricks? no clue. but all i have left is writing and i am having a heck of a time getting motivated to do it. spent the last 2 days reediting my 15 page story and reviewing/critiquing another story from my group. that's it. pretty pathetic if you ask me, and i still have so much more to do! just crazy. and if the motivation doesn't hit soon i am in real trouble. class tomorrow and monday then finals. that's it folks. i only have to worry about one final, but i have a paper due monday that i haven't started and i have a ton of paper journal entries to do in the writing class.

well, now at least the list of stuff to do for class takes up only half of a 9.5x6.5 piece of paper instead of all of it...and then some. this is progress, so i tell myself.

tonight i also decided to check my credit card and am overdrawn. not only that, there is a charge on there that i have no idea what it is. none. it isn't what i even thought it was because when i looked over the statement i found what i thought it was clearly labeled under the appropriate name. this of course now has me wondering who has my cc number, and worrying that maybe my memory loss from the anemia is worse than i thought. phone calls tomorrow to figure that all out. but now i have to come up with a heck of a lot more on the damn card out of the next checks than i needed originally. remind me to cut the dang thing up (oh yea that's going to happen...NOT). i really needed to pay bills. summer is going to really hurt financially.

i have a stack of stories 3" thick to review just so i can get stuff posted to the workshop i am a part of. just looking at that stack can be horribly overwhelming sometimes. but that's probably because school is pressing.

to boot, i have friends going through all kinds of problems. and i can't even make them smile any more.

that's all i have. i am not smart or wise, but i have always been able to make people smile.

i must be more overwhelmed than i thought.