tuesday, april 17, 2001
doing ok

funny how school can take up so much of your life that the things you really love to do are often the last thing you get to. thus the long gaps in my journal. that plus trying to redesign, reorganize and rework my domains into a fairly cohesive whole and, of course the family.

saxy has been home for 6 months. when i let him come back, i have to admit i was really skeptical of things working out for even a month. heck, i wasn't even sure at that time we'd last a week! we were all so hurt and the relief of not having him here bringing the emotional tenor of our home down was so great. if anyone had said then that we would still be together now, i would have given a very qualified, "we'll see" in reply. there was just too much pain inside, too much distrust, to even begin to hope for this much. what was written here in the past doesn't even begin to compare to the feeling within our home. everyday was like walking on eggshells, a dozen times a week (or more) i was screaming "just get the F___ OUT!", my kids were emotional wrecks. we were an unhappy place to be. even just looking at what i just wrote cannot begin to compare to the tension, pain, anger, and misery that was in this house.

and now, we've made it 6 months. and we're ok.

not that we don't fight. we do, just like most healthy couples do. not that he doesn't occasional slip back into the behaviors that threatened the marriage before. he does, behavior and habits are hard to change. but we no longer walk on eggshell. we struggle some days, like most couples, but i never expected not to. marriage isn't all highs and gushing romantic emotion and warm moments. but neither should it be misery incarnate. good marriages, as far as i can tell, have their highs and lows, but are usually "just there". i don't mean that in a bad sort of way. i mean it in the sense that the partners are working together to build a marriage, but not necessarily actively working on it every minute of the day. most days you are paying the bills, eating, just living. you have a person walking that same journey with you, but it's not this big dramatic emotional thing. it just is. you can be together in the same room and not need to kill each other or jump all over each other, you're just in the same room, able to share and able to be.

can you tell i am not sure if i am expressing myself right or well?

at any rate, we are doing fine. there's no eggshells in this house. the kids are smiling (mostly). he plays with them and is learning to talk to them like they are kids and human beings. he still has trouble with kitten, and she with him, but that has a lot to do with age. he has to learn that there are things you fight over and things you let go. she has to learn to back off and give him space and to respect his "quirks".

most of all, there's hope. i can see a future with this man.

we will never be the "picture perfect" family, i don't think anyone is. but we are happier and growing and learning. we ARE a family. and that's not something we could say 6 months ago.