friday, march 2, 2001
missing so bad it itches

little bits of creativity have been trickling in on domynoe's and twc in general, but nothing major, and DominoDesigns has been practically ignored for months now. and am i feeling it. i WANT to create, i want to make a set...i don't have TIME to do anything more than dream and surf other graphics sites as i read and do other homework, but man i WANT to. really, really, REALLY bad.

i miss DominoDesigns. oh yea, it's still on my site, but it is no longer the focus of all my aspirations and creativity. it was my dream. my hope to be home with my kids and do something i love to do and still be able to make some money. perhaps it was too much to hope for with the glut of designers on the net, but i also know it was too much to REALLY hope for with all the strikes against me. i hoped anyway. but hope doesn't alleviate not having the "right" programs, a degree and transportation since not as many companies as people would think work with telecommuting. freelance is even worse. but i did hope.

i guess maybe i thought too much of my own talent, even though i don't see myself as being that talented at all really.

my dream isn't dead, just changed. perhaps that is the good part of it all. now, there's no pressure to get the latest in software, to learn photoshop (which reminds me, i really need to uninstall that sucker since i never learned it and now don't have the time to) since it's the "correct" graphics software, to take classes in other languages (dhtml, xml, asp and all that), or to produce a new linkware set at least once a month. pressure like that can make something you love no fun. for me, it didn't make it no fun, but i was pretty frustrated with not being able to keep up on the technology curve. it does seem to me now, that HAD i actually done decently well, the money wouldn't have been going to caring for my family like it needed to but to continuously feeding the program monster.

we spent $6000 (maybe less) to try to make this work. my return was $660. at the end of 2 1/2 years, it is most definitely time to let go.

so, now the dream of a business in what has now ultimately become my hobby has to be let go. it hurts. but it is for the best and i know eventually that hurt will fade away. i have so many things i like to do and do well, i have to succeed somewhere, right? one can hope anyway.

but over the last couple of days, the desire to create graphically has been building and building and now i am just ITCHING to create. i have new clipart i want to do, a new tutorial i want to try, ideas bursting for fonts and linkware in the back of my head. i want to PLAY. i want to CREATE. and i can't.

i have homework.