tuesday, february 27, 2001
screeeaaaam!

i really just could scream at the moment. i am working very hard on containing myself, i really am. but i feel it building, bit by bit. in a few hours we are supposed to be gaming, so i can hope that that will help (gaming rarely makes me tense and usually makes me relax because its fun and we all laugh a lot, particularly with the characters in the group right now), but right now, at this moment, i really just need to chill before i break a few ear drums. and it just kills me to think that of late i have been more aggravated than is usual and seemingly less able to handle it. inside i whimper, this isn't me. but somewhere in my head i hear, "yes it is, you just hide it well." once i made it through the "hell years" in high school and seemed to have settled into reasonable adulthood, i have always considered myself pretty easygoing.

man, have i been proving that wrong of late. and today so far hasn't helped much.

for one, my scheduling problems are really getting to me. to be honest, dealing with medications isn't helping. i have to take the adderall in the morning. when i have a "required" pill like that, i generally put the rest of my meds on its schedule. well, for one of them, in the morning is the WORST time to take it the claritin knocks me on my butt. even if i manage to stay conscious, i tend to be totally groggy and out of it for the rest of the day. this is not a good combination when you have morning classes and are not a morning person. but now that it is my only night time medication, i am having trouble remembering to take it at a decent time. i don't think meds twice a day. i take them once, its over and done with, picking up another bottle confuses my scheduling, what little of that i have. to make matters worse, it now appears i need another adderall about 3 p.m. if twice a day is hard enough, three times a day is next to impossible. and i have to take the claritin within a very narrow window or i just can't get my rear out of bed in the morning.

last night i missed that narrow window and this morning, as my beloved husband will tell you, i was impossible to get out of bed. i was on the latest bus possible and only had about 20 minutes to get ready for it, barely squeaking into class on time. have you ever noticed that the day you need things to go smoothly, they don't? every morning for the last 7 weeks the bus has gone very smoothly, getting me on campus in 30 minutes, no delays and generally not stopping more than a few times the whole way. this morning we switched drivers (10-15 minutes) and the bus missed MAYBE 2 of the stops. i slipped into class just in time (thank goodness the instructor is usually late) where i got the one good piece of news today: the questionnaire is fine and counts as one of the ten resources i need for the paper. thank god!

but then i came home. my dear love of mine said i wouldn't need an umbrella so i left mine home, and came out to a downpour. (that's the last time i listen to him if there are clouds in the sky). then the lightening and thunder started, and we just won't go there here. i came home, the power had gone down and come back, my email server decided to freak, and yes, it's been a lovely day thank you very much. i'm behind on getting my term papers started and a chapter behind in almost every class (mythology finally got interesting, but i have a think piece due tomorrow and i haven't started that either). i have a teenager in my house who's making us nuts. we're getting storms that are freaking my head out every week, and its all building up to a scream. it really is.

why do i feel so very out of control the last few days?