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wednesday, february 7, 2001
if: decisions decisions

if you have to make a crucial decision, are you more likely to be influenced by your head or your heart? have you ever regretted listening to one over the other?

1995. to go back to school or not to go back to school? getting a divorce, 4 kids, no education for a good job. this one is a no brainer, based on the need to take care of my kids and the knowledge that a minimum wage job just wouldn't cut it. was it my heart or my head? probably a little bit of both. have i ever regretted it? not one bit.

1997. marrying my current husband, a decision based on pure emotions. just being caught up in being in love. have i ever regretted it? yes. do i regret it now? no. although we almost divorced, and some times i wonder if we are really going to make this a solid marriage, i do not regret it.

1998. taking an l.o.a. from school. i fought to stay, and it showed as my health continued to deteriorate. emotionally i wanted to finish out my degree, but in my head i knew that this wasn't possible at the moment. time to go. have i ever regretted it? sometimes. but i also understand, sometimes what we want to do and what we need to do are two separate things. this, i needed to do. it was the best decision health-wise and got me back in touch with my children.

summer 2000. do i divorce him or not? an agonizing decision filled with both head knowledge and emotions to deep to even begin to express. the head knowledge: abusers don't change and what he was doing was abuse to both me and my children, we argue constantly about what he is doing and he never sees it as wrong, everyone in this house is miserable, and i am the mother who should be protecting my children. heart knowledge: i love him deeply and i can't imagine life without him. final decision: we can't live this way, especially my children. in the end head wins over heart and i kick him out and file for divorce. have i ever regretted it? only until my oldest daughter smiled for the first time in months. regret washes away in the face of a child's smile.

fall 2000. go back to school or not. a no brainer. i still haven't finished my degree, i still have 4 kids to take care of. i am scared of falling back into failure but know what i must do and register for winter quarter. have i ever regretted it? regret would not be precisely the word. but i just passed my midterms with grades far higher than i expected with all the new challenges in my life. so facing the fear i have won confidence again. some decisions do that.

winter 2000. one more chance. in a purely emotional decision i allow him back into our lives. he knows he's on notice. if we begin to slide into misery again, i will file again and this time go through with it. but for now, he has a second chance. sometimes love is deeper than the head. have i regretted it? not yet. life is better. sometimes people need a kick in the pants to realize they are losing something most precious to them. in our case that kick seems to have worked. i can't imagine life without him.

decisions, decisions.

in life we will all make decisions that change our very being. what those decisions are best based on are the needs of the moment viewed in through the window of the future. sometimes emotion overrides reason, sometimes reason overrides emotion. and then, sometimes, they walk hand in hand. whatever happens, regret is wasted when we realize all experiences are valuable for what we learn and what we become. even the worst decision becomes precious when we learn from them.

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