saturday, january 27, 2001
struggling

my frustration is growing. i remember the days when this stuff used to be so much easier for me. i took good notes, understood my reading, and even was able to write papers without debating the starting sentence for half a day. such is not the case now and it is driving me crazy. i knew it wouldn't be as easy as it was before i took my leave of absence from the school, but never did i imagine i would be perpetually three days behind and struggling to understand even basic concepts. to all readers: take care of your iron levels. severe anemia can really mess you up, as i have discovered far too late. i am sure some of this is my perfectionist nature. i won't accept anything but the best from myself. maybe i have yet to accept that my best now is not quite the same as my best before. i am fighting my way through my classes at the moment and not liking it one bit. i feel like i am just too dense to get it.

to add to my frustration, my gamers have totally flaked. they aren't even calling me any more, not even mc. so, in addition to struggling to get through my classes, i don't even have the one distracting outlet i was looking forward to. i really have to get that sorted out because all i am doing by not speaking to mc about it is getting angry. and this may be adding to the distraction and frustration of my class work

on top of all this, my family doesn't seem to get it. i was writing a paper today. actually, i should say i was TRYING to write a paper today. the husband interrupted me at least twice, and each kid interrupted me at least three or four times (depending on the child) all within an hour. saxy wanted me back in school, but can't seem to let me do the homework. and the kids! i love them all, but i need more space to get this done. if i try to do this in my room i'll be asleep in a heartbeat, so my computer desk is the best location. but its also in the living room where everyone has to come by and ask questions, touch me and all that affectionate but distracting stuff. maybe i'm crazy, but when mom is starring at a book with a frown of concentration on her face, this would not seem to be the best time to interrupt her. and, lordy, one of them needs to leave my hair alone. whenever she is near me she has to play with my hair and it is just a tad annoying. i tried to get her to stop, so she started doing it to saxy, who has also told her to stop so she's back to me.

maybe i am pmsing. maybe other events are just making more irritable than usual. maybe its all of it rolled into one huge aggravating mess that i couldn't sort out if i tried.