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thursday, january 18, 2001
good, better, best

to all my friends who are aware of certain situation that i have ranted about in your ears recently: you can relax now. i am working my way through the pain and anger and am finally going beyond it. perhaps in the end this WAS best. as much as i have done, it seems to me in many ways i still got the short end of the stick, so to speak. no one told me to not speak my mind, it just came about that i allowed others' attitudes to change how i am. i closed up, i didn't feel comfortable speaking my mind (tactful or not), which is very stressful to someone who is used to being open. i began to doubt myself because i was called into question so often. now that stress is gone. i can be who i am without wondering who is going to take offense today. and that is good. i am coming to a place of acceptance and peace.

in better news i am finally back on wellbutrin. while not my favorite medication, it at least works until we can get something that works better for me. And it DOES help with focusing, which i am REALLY going to need in classes (especially the myth and metaphor one!). the medical coverage came in a few days ago, i called in the prescription yesterday and picked it up today. thanks, linnorm, for helping me out here. if i weren't in school it wouldn't be a big deal, but i have really been concerned about going through classes without something to help me concentrate. i may have been adhd all my life (since we don't usually suddenly develop it), but i haven't really had to deal with it as a disrupting influence until recently (when my iron problem trashed whatever management system i had created as a kid). i am still a bit concerned about tests, because of the memory issues that the wellbutrin doesn't seem to help cover, but the rest i am much less concerned about now.

saxy and i seem to be in one of the best places for us at the moment. relationships fluctuate sooo much that i can't say where we will be tomorrow or next week, but right now things are really good. we're in a nice phase of being close, lots of little touches through the day but not an overwhelming smothering. it is very nice. ok, so that's an understatement. but there's this comfortable, close, companionship that i never imagined us having, especially not after the events of last year. But this is a nice place to be in. i like it.

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