it's been less than a month since i had to stop taking the wellbutrin. not so much
because i wanted to (although i admit freely that i did), but because i had to.
no more insurance means no more medication. have you heard the saying that it
takes about a month to form a habit? whoever made that saying up never met me.
i was on the wellbutrin for 2 or 3 months. i think in that entire time i missed
a dose twice, both near the end of the time period, and both afternoon doses versus
the midnight dose which i took faithfully the whole time. with my midnight dose
i also took my inhalers, vitamins, claritin and ulcer medication. every night
at midnight for at least two months. so you would think that now, even though
the wellbutrin is gone, that the habit to take the remaining medications would
there sits my medication basket (ratty old round thing that really needs to be
replaced someday), filled with my medication bottles (or foiled cards, as in the
case of the claritin). i see it, i occasionally think about it. do i automatically
reach out, pick it up and take my meds like a good little girl? no. half the time
the only time i pay attention to it is to move it out of the way. and its only
when i am so congested that the pressure in my nose and head are killer that i
even think, "oh, i missed my meds the last few nights". since i was
taking them at midnight, my beloved saxy isn't around to remind me, he's in bed
by 11 and not usually much later. i have tried email notes and stickies on the
computer screen and all kinds of things. i generally get to the point where i
am with the basket, don't see it until its in the way then i just move it. i think
medication, as much as i may need it, just got to be an annoyance. unless its
antibiotics, i just don't always associate wellness with medication (or even getting
to wellness). perhaps its that, as long as i have insurance, i can pretty much
expect to take these pills for the rest of my life. i am definitely not thrilled
topic 2: money balancing
what is it about stressing over money that makes me spend it? i am not usually
BAD with my money. in fact, i usually hold off on purchasing things for me for
3 - 6 months at a time since the money is needed elsewhere. then i usually pick
myself up something i really want and i am fine for another 3 - 6 months. i also
make sure my checkbook is absolutely balanced to the penny. call me anal retentive
(you'd be right), but if i am off by a single penny i usually search for WEEKS
until that offending penny is found. and it doesn't matter which way that penny
is supposed to land. theirs or mine, i must find it. i am absolutely positive
this comes from way too many money problems in the previous marriage, four kids,
singlehood and public aide for the poor. (you try supporting four kids on $800
a month cash and $250-$300 a month in food stamps. penny balancing will be quite
normal to you too!)
but lately i seem to have slid into early twenties lack of discipline. i have
bought more stuff the last month, and i mean just stuff in general, than i have
in the past six. tonight i looked at my checkbook, which has been giving me some
problems for a couple of months now, determined that tomorrow i will have to rebuild
everything from around march or so and try to get the monster balanced. then
i promptly went out and bought 2 fonts. i won't blame the lack of wellbutrin.
i learned discipline a long time ago without medication. but as i cannot afford
these binge spending "sprees" (of maybe $20 at a time - it's not the
individual amounts that are so bad, its the number of them!), i need to figure
out what is up and get it settled so i can stop.
for a woman who really does make every attempt to know herself and her motives
and so on, i am really lost on this one.
topic 3: teenage angst
just how do people successfully raise teenagers? being in the personal throes
of mother to a teenager, i really want to know the secret. my darling girl is
indeed my darling girl, except when the teenager makes an appearance. add pms
and we're just having a grand ole time over here . . . NOT. seriously, i love
my daughter dearly, and she usually does quite well. then the moodiness strikes
and the casualties are astounding, on both sides. sulk, stomp stomp stomp to her
room, slam. and this happens even when we're NICE to her. at least the smiles
are still around much of the time. having saxy home hasn't dimmed her light this
time. but there are many things that make me truly wonder how parents survive
the teenage experience. with my mother's problems i really can't rely on her
example (such as it wasn't) to deal with things like:
explaining exactly why something cannot or must be done only to hear, "but..."
(i'd like to deal with this one without an explosion, but when you have repeated
the explanation FIVE times, then what?)
reminding daily to please not or do this or that (and i mean daily. we're not
talking for 2 or 3 months, but for the entire last year!)
just getting to the point where you think she's doing good then , BAM!, something
else happens to make you wonder about parenthood in general
the teenybopper giggles (unless you have one, you'll never understand)
explaining for the hundredth time that week, "go ask dad about that. we
don't have the (money / car/ insert other objection here)"
wardrobe. need i say more?
special to the divorced parents: "but this isn't dad's house, so don't think
you can do that here." (fortunately we don't get that too often, but occasionally
i do have to remind them that while dad does allow wildness and rough housing,
it ain't happenin' in my house.)
this is just a small part of the whole teenager parent thing i am trying to figure
out. and saxy is a saint. he is currently living with two bundles of female hormones
with a third on her way. good luck to both him and taz. they're gonna need it.
also on my mind tonight: sorting my dingbats (fonts that is), working on fairy
pages, wanting to play legend of the dragoon, wanting to work on the not so hot
pencil drawing i was doing earlier, mail, and considering when to begin my next
chapter for visions.
it's now past midnight. as you can see, i am not going to sleep any time soon.