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friday 12.15.2000
midnight rambles

topic 1: basket case

it's been less than a month since i had to stop taking the wellbutrin. not so much because i wanted to (although i admit freely that i did), but because i had to. no more insurance means no more medication. have you heard the saying that it takes about a month to form a habit? whoever made that saying up never met me. i was on the wellbutrin for 2 or 3 months. i think in that entire time i missed a dose twice, both near the end of the time period, and both afternoon doses versus the midnight dose which i took faithfully the whole time. with my midnight dose i also took my inhalers, vitamins, claritin and ulcer medication. every night at midnight for at least two months. so you would think that now, even though the wellbutrin is gone, that the habit to take the remaining medications would be ingrained.


there sits my medication basket (ratty old round thing that really needs to be replaced someday), filled with my medication bottles (or foiled cards, as in the case of the claritin). i see it, i occasionally think about it. do i automatically reach out, pick it up and take my meds like a good little girl? no. half the time the only time i pay attention to it is to move it out of the way. and its only when i am so congested that the pressure in my nose and head are killer that i even think, "oh, i missed my meds the last few nights". since i was taking them at midnight, my beloved saxy isn't around to remind me, he's in bed by 11 and not usually much later. i have tried email notes and stickies on the computer screen and all kinds of things. i generally get to the point where i am with the basket, don't see it until its in the way then i just move it. i think medication, as much as i may need it, just got to be an annoyance. unless its antibiotics, i just don't always associate wellness with medication (or even getting to wellness). perhaps its that, as long as i have insurance, i can pretty much expect to take these pills for the rest of my life. i am definitely not thrilled about this.

topic 2: money balancing

what is it about stressing over money that makes me spend it? i am not usually BAD with my money. in fact, i usually hold off on purchasing things for me for 3 - 6 months at a time since the money is needed elsewhere. then i usually pick myself up something i really want and i am fine for another 3 - 6 months. i also make sure my checkbook is absolutely balanced to the penny. call me anal retentive (you'd be right), but if i am off by a single penny i usually search for WEEKS until that offending penny is found. and it doesn't matter which way that penny is supposed to land. theirs or mine, i must find it. i am absolutely positive this comes from way too many money problems in the previous marriage, four kids, singlehood and public aide for the poor. (you try supporting four kids on $800 a month cash and $250-$300 a month in food stamps. penny balancing will be quite normal to you too!)

but lately i seem to have slid into early twenties lack of discipline. i have bought more stuff the last month, and i mean just stuff in general, than i have in the past six. tonight i looked at my checkbook, which has been giving me some problems for a couple of months now, determined that tomorrow i will have to rebuild everything from around march or so and try to get the monster balanced. then i promptly went out and bought 2 fonts. i won't blame the lack of wellbutrin. i learned discipline a long time ago without medication. but as i cannot afford these binge spending "sprees" (of maybe $20 at a time - it's not the individual amounts that are so bad, its the number of them!), i need to figure out what is up and get it settled so i can stop.

for a woman who really does make every attempt to know herself and her motives and so on, i am really lost on this one.

topic 3: teenage angst

just how do people successfully raise teenagers? being in the personal throes of mother to a teenager, i really want to know the secret. my darling girl is indeed my darling girl, except when the teenager makes an appearance. add pms and we're just having a grand ole time over here . . . NOT. seriously, i love my daughter dearly, and she usually does quite well. then the moodiness strikes and the casualties are astounding, on both sides. sulk, stomp stomp stomp to her room, slam. and this happens even when we're NICE to her. at least the smiles are still around much of the time. having saxy home hasn't dimmed her light this time. but there are many things that make me truly wonder how parents survive the teenage experience. with my mother's problems i really can't rely on her example (such as it wasn't) to deal with things like:

explaining exactly why something cannot or must be done only to hear, "but..." (i'd like to deal with this one without an explosion, but when you have repeated the explanation FIVE times, then what?)

reminding daily to please not or do this or that (and i mean daily. we're not talking for 2 or 3 months, but for the entire last year!)

just getting to the point where you think she's doing good then , BAM!, something else happens to make you wonder about parenthood in general

the teenybopper giggles (unless you have one, you'll never understand)

explaining for the hundredth time that week, "go ask dad about that. we don't have the (money / car/ insert other objection here)"

wardrobe. need i say more?

special to the divorced parents: "but this isn't dad's house, so don't think you can do that here." (fortunately we don't get that too often, but occasionally i do have to remind them that while dad does allow wildness and rough housing, it ain't happenin' in my house.)

this is just a small part of the whole teenager parent thing i am trying to figure out. and saxy is a saint. he is currently living with two bundles of female hormones with a third on her way. good luck to both him and taz. they're gonna need it.

also on my mind tonight: sorting my dingbats (fonts that is), working on fairy pages, wanting to play legend of the dragoon, wanting to work on the not so hot pencil drawing i was doing earlier, mail, and considering when to begin my next chapter for visions.

it's now past midnight. as you can see, i am not going to sleep any time soon.

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