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friday 10.06.2000
beyond hoping

it has been a very...odd couple of days. sometime monday afternoon i started shaking. i was shaking so bad i couldn't button up buttons (or unbutton them for that matter). it was completely uncontrollable...for THREE DAYS. (yes, i know i didn't mention it before...but i kept hoping it would stop!) i have nothing medically that would make me shake like that, so the only thing i can think of is stress, pure and simple. emce, who works on scent a lot, said i smelled entirely TOO stressed. (when your eyesight isn't the best and not correctable, other senses take over. he had an accident in school when he was younger that messed up his eyes. he can see, just not as well as most of us. so his sense of smell is better than most of us too.)

with that kind of thing going on i just had to take a brief internet break. i honestly has no real desire to be here. too much else on my mind for the most part. so i would come on to check mail and then leave to read a book. in the last few days i have read all three of the herald-mage series of valdemar by mercedes lackey. i worked a bit on my upcoming game (we've actually set a date to start). other than that, i spent time with the boyfriend on wednesday and thursday and part of today. pretty much just taking it easy.

i honestly cannot say if this has helped me at all. i am tired. have been all week, despite the iron supplements i take to control my anemia. i have absolutely no motivation. and i am still not sure i want to be here right now.

but this is where most my friends are now. saxy didn't like the time i spent with my friends in r.l. or they were uncomfortable around him and knew i would catch the third degree when we parted. i lost several for various reasons, all dealing with me being with saxy and his jealousy and anti-socialness. i have 3 left: emce, panther and hood. and one vague female acquaintance who used to be a close friend (we weren't separated by saxy though, for us it was more...time. and separate lives.) with his jealousy over my r.l. friends causing so many problems, i began making friends here. so, other than the aforementioned three, that's all i have. and regardless of anything else, i am a social creature. so here i am back again...even though i am not sure i WANT to be here right now.

my birthday, yesterday, was actually a relaxing one. i spent the day reading. came online and got three gift pages from my sister (THANK YOU!), as well as a number of small gifts and e-cards. emce bought me a REAL cheesecake (rather than one of those grocer's freezer ones) and i have been biting into it and dying and going to heaven periodically since. i love good chocolate (lady godiva's truffles are heaven), but i am a cheesecake girl. and this is a GOOD cheesecake. so turning another year older was relatively painless for a woman who isn't really into her birthday any more.

and the best news: emce paid for my electric bill. whew!

emce and i have been discussing our relationship as well over the last few days. yes...he has decided on his feelings for me (all good) and we have been talking about future things. but with the events of the last few weeks...even months, i am at a point where i don't want to think that far ahead any more. at this moment, all i can handle is one day and one step at a time. i am not sure if i can take another disappointment, another broken promise, another hope unfulfilled right now. shaking for 3 days has unnerved me. i need to keep my strength for my kids. i don't want THEM to go through any more broken promises either. emce said he wanted to get a house...and i had to be blunt, i can't go with him if we're not married. only because if i do and something happens between us and splits us up, where will i go then? my current housing may totally suck, but it's CHEAP. and once i am out, i haven't a prayer of getting back in. step at a time...and right now...they aren't the hugest of steps for me..

i just hope this year is better than the last...i think it's about time.

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