it has been a very...odd couple of days. sometime monday afternoon i started shaking.
i was shaking so bad i couldn't button up buttons (or unbutton them for that matter).
it was completely uncontrollable...for THREE DAYS. (yes, i know i didn't mention
it before...but i kept hoping it would stop!) i have nothing medically that would
make me shake like that, so the only thing i can think of is stress, pure and
simple. emce, who works on scent a lot, said i smelled entirely TOO stressed.
(when your eyesight isn't the best and not correctable, other senses take over.
he had an accident in school when he was younger that messed up his eyes. he can
see, just not as well as most of us. so his sense of smell is better than most
of us too.)
with that kind of thing going on i just had to take a brief internet break. i
honestly has no real desire to be here. too much else on my mind for the most
part. so i would come on to check mail and then leave to read a book. in the last
few days i have read all three of the herald-mage series of valdemar by mercedes
lackey. i worked a bit on my upcoming game (we've actually set a date to start).
other than that, i spent time with the boyfriend on wednesday and thursday and
part of today. pretty much just taking it easy.
i honestly cannot say if this has helped me at all. i am tired. have been all
week, despite the iron supplements i take to control my anemia. i have absolutely
no motivation. and i am still not sure i want to be here right now.
but this is where most my friends are now. saxy didn't like the time i spent with
my friends in r.l. or they were uncomfortable around him and knew i would catch
the third degree when we parted. i lost several for various reasons, all dealing
with me being with saxy and his jealousy and anti-socialness. i have 3 left: emce,
panther and hood. and one vague female acquaintance who used to be a close friend
(we weren't separated by saxy though, for us it was more...time. and separate
lives.) with his jealousy over my r.l. friends causing so many problems, i began
making friends here. so, other than the aforementioned three, that's all i have.
and regardless of anything else, i am a social creature. so here i am back again...even
though i am not sure i WANT to be here right now.
my birthday, yesterday, was actually a relaxing one. i spent the day reading.
came online and got three gift pages from my sister (THANK YOU!), as well as a
number of small gifts and e-cards. emce bought me a REAL cheesecake (rather than
one of those grocer's freezer ones) and i have been biting into it and dying
and going to heaven periodically since. i love good chocolate (lady godiva's truffles
are heaven), but i am a cheesecake girl. and this is a GOOD cheesecake. so turning
another year older was relatively painless for a woman who isn't really into her
birthday any more.
and the best news: emce paid for my electric bill. whew!
emce and i have been discussing our relationship as well over the last few days.
yes...he has decided on his feelings for me (all good) and we have been talking
about future things. but with the events of the last few weeks...even months, i
am at a point where i don't want to think that far ahead any more. at this moment,
all i can handle is one day and one step at a time. i am not sure if i can take
another disappointment, another broken promise, another hope unfulfilled right
now. shaking for 3 days has unnerved me. i need to keep my strength for my kids.
i don't want THEM to go through any more broken promises either. emce said he
wanted to get a house...and i had to be blunt, i can't go with him if we're not
married. only because if i do and something happens between us and splits us up,
where will i go then? my current housing may totally suck, but it's CHEAP. and
once i am out, i haven't a prayer of getting back in. so...one step at a time...and
right now...they aren't the hugest of steps for me..
i just hope this year is better than the last...i think it's about time.