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monday 09.04.2000

it is so nice to be in such a energetic up mood that not even today's little set backs are really bothering me all that much. in one case, the suspense may eventually drive me bonkers, but for the most part i am just letting things slide. the girls woke up fighting and it hasn't daunted me yet (usually a fight that wakes me up sets me on a bad foot for the rest of the day, but not today apparently!). my hang up caller is back but since i have been screening things with callwave, its not like i can get too annoyed. saxy called in one of his depressive moods again, and while it bothers me that he feels i have to know he's depressed, i am just letting it slide. i haven't gotten anything done really either, but its a holiday so i suppose not doing anything reasonably businesslike is ok. i am just coasting through the day, and it is really kind of nice.

i think it helps that tomorrow all four kids will be in school (finally!), giving me some much needed peace and quiet. i love my kids, and have enjoyed our time together during their breaks. but when you are a single parent there is no off time for you, you are it 24-7-365. so when you get a day off you tend to try to enjoy it! and when you have FOUR kids, all very active and one in her teens and another adhd, you REALLY try to enjoy it. so beginning tomorrow i will have my breathing time while they are in school. i will walk as soon as i get taz on the bus and come here and work in peace and quiet and lose track of time until the oldest gets home around 2:30. all this is, of course, assuming they don't miss their buses. it has been known to happen.

i am also slowly reaching a point where men are an interesting novelty, but why the heck bother with them at the moment? yes, someday i want a committed, married relationship. but right now? i think i just want to go away for awhile! lol i only mean...even with emce in the equation, there is no one i really WANT to put an effort into, particularly if they don't want to make an effort back and who's plans are no where near mine. i don't want to just shack up with someone, it goes against my beliefs and feelings. and emce has been the only one i have been interested in, probably for a long time. so i think i am just at a point where i don't even want to deal with it. too much of a headache.

and i know saxy isn't helping with this mood much right now. i feel for him. he feels as if his entire life is coming to an end, that everything he thought he held sacred is gone. but i am also wondering if he's getting to the point where letting me know he's depressed and sometimes suicidal is all part of the attempts to get me back. i KNOW he's in pain. but isn't there a point where you just STOP calling and stop yourself in a position to be rejected and experience even more pain? isn't there a point where you pick yourself up and TRY to move on? i am not expecting any over night miracles here, but enough is enough. maybe when he finally sees the paperwork he can get mad or something. but all he's doing now is wallowing in his misery and making sure the rest of us know it. there has just got to be a point where enough is enough and its time to get on with life.

in other news, visions seems to be doing well. the story so far is well received, and i have added things like a forum and some history. and have plans to add a few more things to it as well. so, despite the fact that half a dozen friends had to push me into it, i am enjoying it! just hope i can keep up the momentum! (and hope i can keep getting subscribers!) i also got a new hosting contract today, so feel pretty good about that! none of this puts me in the category of successful, but at least it's something in an otherwise barren financial landscape.

now, if i could just get the kids to stop going in and out in and out in and out i could coast right along in my otherwise comfortable day!

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