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monday 08.14.2000

every time an unusual amount of stress occurs in my life 2 things happen: i get the runs (ok, probably too much information) and i get sick, both usually after the fact. fortunately the first usually is over in a day or two, even if the stress is ongoing for some reason. the second, unfortunately tends to linger, especially since i am iron-deficient, which affects my ability to fight illness. i used to actually be able to convince myself to NOT be sick. i would "let" myself be sick on day and then the next be fine. this honestly worked until i became severely anemic and then it all went to hell in a hand basket. i absolutely despise being sick. i have too much to do to be able to afford it.

tonight i am discovering something i hate more than being sick: being sick and unable to sleep. and tonight i am struggling with the whole sleep thang as well as down with a very nasty head cold. considering all the stress of the last couple of weeks, the cold in unpleasant but no surprise. and while i am usually a night owl extraordinaire, i can almost always sleep at any time when i am sick given the opportunity to do so. being given the opportunity is key, with 4 kids, including a boy who is almost always on the move and uncontrollable by anyone except adults, opportunities to sleep, especially during the day, are not all that common.

well, my son has been asleep since about midnight, and i can't get myself to settle so i can follow suite. i am even on cold medicine (another way to knock me out is any kind of antihistamine or codeine), and sleep is being pretty damn elusive right now.

now, add to this, when i am sick i don't think all that well and tend to panic pretty easily. with my financial situation on shaky ground, i am in a semi-panic stage. so far i have rehashed almost every obstacle right now and am no closer to solutions. i can't go on public aid or food stamps because they require that you work. i can't work because i have my son: i have to get in on a bus at 7 a.m., off the bus at 4 p.m., and be home with him 1 month in every 4 (year-round absolutely sucks). my girls are incapable of watching him, he won't listen. i don't have or know a sitter i can trust to watch him. and i couldn't get a job to pay ANYBODY enough money, much less an organized day care that understands the needs of the differently-abled, assuming i could trust them to do a good job and not be abusive. (you did know that disabled kids have a higher abuse rate than other kids didn't you? pretty scary to a mom of a disabled kid!)

this leaves me with an income of around $950 a month (child support and my son's ssi), IF i am lucky and DominoDesigns, which is still going nowhere fast. and i feel guilty living off my kids. the GOOD news is that their dad is very concerned about them and helps above and beyond his child support. (yay dad!) and it looks like my sweetheart is willing to help out some (having already given me some money to feed them this month).

but i am still in a semi-panic, with a scratchy throat, clogged up ears, a drippy nose, headache, itchy eyes, and too hot for an already over heated summer night. and unable to sleep. and i am tired and WANT to sleep, not think about all these horrible things that have my mind racing at mock speed.

right about now is when you miss having a partner living with you in your home. no, not enough to ask him back. but it would certainly solve things like money, needing to sleep when i am sick, needing a HUG when i am sick, and all that stuff. right about now is when i am wishing that love could have a victory over abuse.

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