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20 years together
Christopher G. Loeb
Denyse J. Zane
Married Dec 31, 1998

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words count : journeys


.com : .nu

let's try this again
     tuesday, july 30, 2018

once again good intentions went south in a big way.

i think the last two years wiped me out (although, to be fair, i've been flaky longer than the last two years, but the last two years or so have been the WORST). first we had an infant in our care (for about 9 months, give r take) and had to deal with his father—a stalker who was doing everything he could to force himself into my daughter's life who demanded full access 24/7 without having to call us. i.e., if he wanted to show up at 3 a.m., then he should be allowed to show up at 3 a.m. without any warning. things got violent at one point, and we were done. as much as i loved and wanted to protect my grandson, i also had (and still have) my son to take care of. plus,my youngest was still living with us at the time, and as much as she didn't have that motherly attachment (at the time, it has since developed), she was interfering with us raising kiddo. her right, but she originally wanted us to raise him, and she needed to step back to allow that to happen.

baby boy moved in with his other grandmother for a few months, then came back to us, then went to stay with his aunt, then came back to us. so every attempt to reestablish my routines went up in baby and toddler giggles. during that time, his mama also moved in and out a time or two, then disappeared a short time when she was arrested and the friends who knew she was arrested didn't tell us what was going on. (long story short: she was in a car with drug paraphernalia; everyone got arrested, was released on good behavior when the jail in question had to clear out some room, she lost everything, and she has since cut those "friends" out of her life. okay, that was still somewhat long.) we also lost ororo storm (the only one of the three cats to have died in this apartment that doesn't have a page honoring her; maybe i'll do one on the anniversary of her death), hubs added a new position to one job and left the other (requiring an adjustment in finances), and my oldest and youngest both moved in around the last time the grandbaby moved back in. our apartment was over crowded and i was back on baby care. everything has fallen by the wayside—writing, exercise, updating sites, we've even fallen back on poor eating habits (though there are some other things that are involved in that).

i did manage to use my creativity to start a youtube channel, but in many ways, it was easier than everything else. it kept me sane without requiring too much other than time from me, which may sound odd, but honestly, time was easier to come up with than energy. motivation, or real brain power/creativity.

and i'm sure i mentioned at least some of this in the last entry back in february.

anyway, so we ended up with both the oldest and youngest living here. there was some plan in mind for them to move out together with another friend who happened to be male. problem was oldest was interested in the boy, the boy turned out to be interested in the youngest, and youngest started to return the interest. that all blew up, and the plan, understandably, went with it. youngest moved out with the boy and her son (and supposedly yet another friend), which relieved the pressure of an over full household.

that was two or three months ago. this girl was exhausted. i thought i'd only need a week or two to get back with things. apparently i needed a month or two. i've been trying to get back to writing, to exercise, to getting back to my healthiest life the entire time. it just wasn't working. and as much as i wanted to be back on track (with the addition of the channel), there wasn't any real motivation or excitement about it. i did manage self-care with my makeup play, i have started my garden again (although a bit smaller), and i'm now learning about how to best care for my hair.

and starting tomorrow, i have a plan to get back on track. i'm aware i'm trying to reestablish habits that i've not had in my life for over 2 years. i'm going to have good days and days that go south again. so i'm keeping this simple:

1. i'm focusing on health, not weight. i need to get back to healthy, unprocessed food and cutting back my sugar (my stress comfort food is almost always sweets).

2. i've decided to make lifting my primary activity, which means i'll gain (healthy gain, but still gain), but hopefully trim out. to avoid freaking out over that, i'm only weighing myself once a month.

on the plus side: i get to eat more. especially protein, but more. ;)

3. on non-filming days, i'll get at least one writing related thing done first (after lifting) then deal with any other distractions/plan for the day.

i'm using my old post-it note method (at least in spirit: no actual post-its right now) to help remind me of my focus and what i'm doing. i set up my planner with the notes i need to help keep me focused and hopefully help get me back on track. mondays and fridays are my "break" days because hubs is home then and i try to stay out of his way and let him enjoy his day as much as possible. so those days are filming days and will be site update days as well. hopefully that means ya'all will hear more from me (assuming you want to).

we've got a few other things we're dealing with: oldest is still here, we have the bug war from hell going on (tried to get the management to deal with it; as usual, apartment management may try, but their methods do next to nothing because apartments), hubs is less than happy with the not-so-new-but-newer-than-before job arrangement and hasn't had a raise in 2 years (and the channels has added a little to the financial issues because you need new product to keep the channel interesting), and so on and so forth. plus, heat, humidity, storm headaches, all the weather bull shit. you know, life stuff.

but i'm finally not exhausted. i'm ready to get back to it. and that's the difference i've needed for awhile.


word of the moment: teleran :: a system of aerial navigation in which ground radar scans the area about an airport and the results are televised
so that the pilot of an airplane sees the positions of all craft in the vicinity superimposed upon a map of the area.

currently reading: free agent


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