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terrified
friday, july 29, 2011

in the past, i've worried about us making it through the rough times (which seem to be on going), and, somehow, we've always managed to make it through. usually by the skin of our teeth, but i'll take skin of our teeth to everything totally falling apart. and right now, we're on the verge of everything falling apart. i'm looking down a barrel that leads to only one place: living in our car on the street.

i'd be a little less worried if my oldest didn't seem to think that paying the rent is optional, but at this point, i guess it is for her. she can go move in with the fiancé, if it comes down to it. the rest of us aren't so lucky. so i tell her not to spend any money, and i get a long litany of things she must pay. things that have nothing to do with keeping a roof over our heads. honestly, i get it, to a degree. but what the fuck is more important? keeping your cell service or keeping your family off the streets. for her, it's the cell service.

i swear, i have no idea where i went wrong. yes, i wanted independent women, but i didn't want them so independent that screwing the rest of the family was okay as long as they got what they wanted.

yes, i'm venting. no, it's not her responsibility to keep us housed, not completely. but, as i mentioned, i'm terrified right now. everything is falling apart, and it's only getting worse before it gets better.

saxy has no hours. less than 20. i've ordered him some fresh, clean jackets so he can look for another job but i honestly have no hope for anything better right now. recovery is too slow. his time at r.l. too short (and one manager there seems to have taken a disliek to him).

it gets worse.

that house we tried to buy? is about to bite us in the ass again. social security wants bank statements as far back as august 2009, and the deposits made specifically for the house, that were spent on the house, will be seen and counted as income, which means for the two months that we got that money, taz will owe more ssi back. (which is at $3500, not the $6k i misremembered; the $6k is the total disbursed).

that's assuming we HAVE any ssi. yes, the shenanigans in dc are freaking me out as well. at this point, we may be lucky to get $30 in ssi (because social security thinks my son should be able to live off $600/month and no more than that, and we owe them for the overpayment, so that will come out of his future payments; and we can't bail on social security entirely because we don't have $4000 to repay them with).

what we really need to be able to do is move, but we don't have first, last, various deposits (including pets), and money to transfer the utilities to a new place. if we did manage to move, we'd end up having to hand the animals over to the humane society. considering how old most of them are, we all know how that would end.

the income keeps going down, and i can't figure out a way to salvage this mess. i'd consider looking into editing again, or some other online job, except i don't have a computer full time, so even the one wya i could help, i can't.

my oldest and grand baby may be able to escape this mess. my middle daughter may also be able to escape this mess. the rest of us? totally screwed.

at this point, i'm almost ready to hang onto every penny, not pay the rent, and attempt a move at the end of september (when a 30 day would kick in), but...oldest is unlikely to donate to the moving fund, we'd have to pay off all our past dues to connect utilities at a new place (something we've been unable to do), and $1800 is unlikely to get us anywhere except in a tiny, no animals apartment...maybe (this is an option my oldest has been suggesting for a long while; screw the animals).

animals or not, we haven't the money to move. we haven't the money to stay. and i'm being told not to pressure my oldest about all this. forget the fact that i'm off meds, taz is off two of his meds now, that i've been juggling to the fucking utilities next to forever, and that we're going down hard.

i don't know where this is going to end. i just don't. and i can't even say i'll be able to keep people up on what's going on. we're hitting a wall, and there doesn't appear to be any way out. and i have no idea how to fix it. it breaks my heart to think that i may just have to let the animals go in the wild or hand them over to the humane society and certain death. and it kills me that even moving won't solve things right now since i have no way to pay for a new place or the utilities we'll need just to live there.

and it terrifies me that the chance that we'll finally land on the street is incredibly huge. we have no place to go, no one to turn to. we're at the end of the line, and there's nothing i can do about it.

talk about pressure. and failure.

~*~

word of the moment: mummer

an actor in a traditional type of play without words; an actor who communicates entirely by gesture and facial expression; a performer in a pantomime; broadly; one who goes merrymaking in disguise during festivals


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