i've let this house stuff totally derail my life; my schedule is a disaster because of stress (and, to be fair, school starting), our finances (admittedly not good to begin with) are in total tatters, and i'm sick. enough is enough already. no, i'm not giving up on the house, but i can't let it keep doing this to me. we're $3000 short, and that sure as hell isn't coming out of our monthly income, so we're at the point of do what we can, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. and i'm at the point where i need to reclaim my life, focus on what will keep us in a house (any house), and just do what i need to do. this is the plan at this point:

keep looking for sources or options for the money we need and keep packing. neither one can hurt, but it could be a real mess if we don't. i hate packing and moving under the best of circumstances, but having to do it all last minute and unprepared? that's a nightmare. and so far, the packing process has removed something like 7 bags of trash and finally cleared out a bunch of useless furniture and other things from the garage. so even if we don't move and end up unpacking again, well, we've cleared out a bunch of crap we don't need or use and don't have the space for.

work on our current finances and try to get back on some kind of footing. with the $500 water bill from last month, this isn't going to be easy, and if we end up remaining in the current house, it won't be easy. BUT we have 2 people who are employed, so it can be done as long as we get smart about the money again. we'll have to buckle down, reduce the grocery bills as much as possible again (which means i must. resist. clementines! lol), and put everything we have into salvaging this mess. we may end up losing the battle in a couple of areas (cable comes to mind: they want money, but water and electricity is more important) and having to come up with disconnection fees to recover, but as long as people are working, it can be done. and right now, the focus on utilities and rent. we can't put any more money into this deal, so the focus has to be making sure we're in the best place we can be when all is said and done.

the only one i worry about is jewel since she won't have a place to stay and can't afford her apartment any more. even if she tried to get back in, it's doubtful they'd allow it since she's already over a month behind. there's no room here, which is why the new house would be perfect: plenty of room for everyone and a lower payment all around. we'd all be able to get on our feet a lot faster for it. and i wouldn't have to worry about her ending up on the street. i really want to make sure everything works out for her, but i don't have any way to do that and have a house full that could end up in the same position if we're not careful. i've got to take care of business for the household first, especially since 3 of them have no way to take care of themselves at all and another can take care of herself but doesn't have the funds to get a place for herself and her baby.

i've let this mess make me sick and throw me off in my daily life, and that's going to stop as well. i have this new routine that i have to adjust to, so i'm going to focus on that, set my alarms, do my exercise, start watching the food again. i used to count my portions in my head, but over the last few weeks it's just been eat as can. it's resulted in some bad food and money choices. so even though i've continued losing the weight, it's not been a healthy loss. and now i'm at the very beginning of a sugar binge again (go straight to it when i hit high stress; resisted for awhile, but finally lost the battle last week). i haven't been writing, and the truth is i've not really tried. that's got to stop too. time to reclaim my writing time as best i can in this crazy, new schedule.

tonight saxy and i will discuss what to do if this house does fall through. we would have a small window to look for a new house, but the question is should we? we're more aware of the financial cost, i'm just not sure we can swing it. and the health issues will only get worse as we end up under more pressure. but continuing to stay here isn't a good decision either. this place is costly and it's not ours. it'll be that much harder to get on our feet in a place that takes up 75% of our income. moving is impossible: we'd never come up with a first and last or a place that will accept our pets. besides, that would only put us back in the same position: sinking money into a place that's not ours and letting a landlord have a decision in the amount we pay for utilities by what he will or won't do. it's a tough decision, so definitely needs some thought and discussion over the next couple of weeks.

anyone have $3000 to help us out with this mess? we'll pay you back.

yea, i know, i shouldn't ask. :P

anyway, in the meantime, i'm reclaiming myself. time to stop being so stressed that i get sick. time to get back to my writing. time to get back on track with my schedule, my food, my exercise. time to get back to myself and the things i love and taking care of those who need me to take care of them.