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bitter much?
tuesday, july 8, 2008

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actually, i try not to be. bitter, that is. that kind of crap usually comes back at you in a bad way, and being bitter usually does nothing other than make you someone people don't want to be around. i bitch about the constant struggle of our finances and how nothing works out for us even when we do things right on whysper, but i also know we're more fortunate than a lot of people and that things will work out so that we at least survive to the next round of crises. i don't like living this way, but i know it's a hell of a lot better than it could be. it gets to me sometimes, especially when someone who can pay their bills consistently bitches about how little they get paid (like teachers; yea, i know they should earn more than they do, but they are going to complain they don't make enough money while driving a new car? really? and i can't even afford to fix the car i have....), but i try to eventually let it go. letting that kind of crap run my life does nothing to help me, i know that.

but, sometimes, even when i know my attitude about something is wrong, i just can't seem to help it. and, yea, i got one of those times right now. and the more i think about it, the more irritated i am by it.

i know i'm not "due" anything by anyone. when you reach out for help, you get it or you don't -- no one owes you. i know that. really i do. but i recently reached out for help on the lj community and i got 1 response. one. out of over 100 readers of my journal. did i expect them all to send something? no. hell, i actually didn't expect much of a response at all, which is what i got. so you'd think this wouldn't bother me.

except...

a few days ago, 4 writers who could afford to go to a workshop (clarion or one of those other pricey weekend retreats) had their laptops stolen. within 2 days, i saw at least 3 or 4 posts asking for help to replace those laptops. and you know what? i bet they got it. they got at least 3 or 4 people who were willing to help, if nothing else, but i'd bet more than that pitched in. don't get me wrong: i know losing those laptops had to hurt. i'm a writer. losing a machine that had all my work on it? yea, that would hurt, A LOT. but let me reiterate: these people could afford to go to the workshop. maybe they had to scrape up the money to get there, but they paid for the workshop fees and transportation fees, and you know damn well they are going out and doing other things. i can't even afford to go to dragon*con this year despite having the tickets (which i'm now selling).

and here's where the irritation is: my cry for help was to get our car repaired so my husband, who hasn't worked in over 2 weeks, could get back to work. i asked for help to pay utilities, particularly phone bills since we both need phones/internet for our jobs. i'm trying to survive, and i get one response. and it irritates the hell out of me that some writer's $1500 laptop gets more response than my plea for a $300 car repair.

like i said, i know this attitude is wrong. these people don't owe me anything. but i can't help wondering just how skewed our ideas of what is important are when a fucking laptop for someone who was able to pay for a conference is more important than helping keep someone in their home with the damn lights and phone on. yea, it's hard for everyone right now, particularly those hit by fires, floods, and tornadoes. but when one writer's laptop is more important than another writer's survival, there is something really fucked up with that. i may not have a novel published, i may not be one of the "big boys", but that's part of the point -- i don't have the resources, the contract, to go to a retreat or writing workshop, i can't even fucking pay my rent, but i'm still supposedly part of this community. i'm just not a big enough name to receive help, i guess.

i'll get over this. i will. writing this is part of the process of trying to get over this. i won't let it fester and turn me bitter. i just have my eyes open now, that's all. eventually i'll move on -- hopefully sooner than later.

as for the car, we finally got the tag from flake. it supposedly makes the car legal until the 30th. financially, we're a disaster. we only paid $200 on our $925 rent and utilities are starting to come due. to be able to pay all this stuff, we need to take care of the car. the garage is going to run a diagnostic on thursday, then we'll find out why the sucker won't pass smog. after that, it gets tricky. we have to take care of whatever it is that's keeping the car from passing emissions so we can get the damn thing registered so saxy can work so we can pay bills. but, by the time we do all that, we'll probably be past disconnect notices. i don't know how we're going to keep everything going. and we got to -- kitten and baby cat are supposed to be here this month or next. if we don't figure this out, we'll all be living in that damn car.

and i can't help. even if i could find a job, i wouldn't be able to work right now. i'm still bleeding and the problem needs to be solved. i can't even do my lilley press job all that well right now because being up makes me bleed harder. all i have to work with is a desk top, and now i have to limit my time on it until the bleeding stops again. and that doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. a physical job that requires a lot of movement would only make the situation worse (assuming the transportation and other issues could be overcome so i could get such a job) -- i'd end up spending half my time in the rest room. today i have the mri, then i have an emergency appointment with my doctor since the birth control isn't controlling anything. of course, that appointment is assuming i make coherent sense by then since i'm claustrophobic and will have to be sedated for the mri.

all i want to do is get past all this. i want to let the irritation go. i want the sick and frustration to be dealt with. and i want us to manage it while keeping the roof over our heads and the utilities connected. it's just, for once, i'm not sure that's possible, and that makes the bitterness a little harder to fight than usual.

no, i'm not bitter much. but i can see how this might be one of those times where it's going to be a close call.


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word of the moment: effervescent

giving off bubbles; used of wines and waters; charged naturally or artificially with carbon dioxide; marked by high spirits or excitement
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