it's been a bad week. not with the kids and work in general, but on the financial end, as usual. serious movage is needed here. granted, some of the issues are because i haven't been working for 2 months and there's not much that can be done about that, but some of the issues are this house and the utility costs for it. if i work every day in a month, i usually just manage to cover rent and either electric or water and phone or gas. never all 4. never both he 2 larger ones (electric and water). never a large one and the two smaller ones. between rent and these utilities, it costs about $1600 to live here (and i think something recently went up in terms of how much we pay per unit). add food, gas for the car (which is going up, costs about $30 per tank, and takes at least 2 refills per week), insurance for the car (which is now probably long gone because i couldn't pay it in time), medications for 3 people, and the miscellaneous stuff, and it it's not too hard to see why we really need to move. we need to move into a house that's cheaper with lower utility costs. at this point, i'll take a freaking 2 bedroom. saxy and i already sleep in the living room, we can do it someplace else just as well.

this week a creditor called and basically harassed me. i finally gave up on talking to the moron and hung up. (okay, the person probably isn't a moron and is only doing her job, but, jeeze, how many times can you say, "i can't pay right now because we have living expenses we can barely cover"?) not 5 minutes later another moron from the same place for the same debt called! i honestly don't know why it twisted me up the way it did - nothing's changed, the bills are the same, the situation is the same, i should be used to it by now - but i ended up crying after that and spent most of this week crying.

part of the frustration, i'm sure, is how i managed to just miss every full time position in the area: by 2 weeks for one school, 2 days for another, and 1 day for yet another. and, at a 4th school, i wasn't eligible for the one position she had. (okay, i probably wouldn't have been happy there, all things considered, but still . . . .) now we have to make it till january and i'm not even sure we can. my current long term position (which, btw, i haven't seen a check for yet - and that really worries me, considering the date) ends the 16th. i'll probably take a day to just relax, then start making my calls to make sure people know i'm available and keep on subbing. and hope something somewhere opens up and i get hired. i do have a friend keeping an eye open for me, but so far the only thing that's come up has been for high school. for that i need to take a different praxis. *bangs head on desk*

i am also hoping the cry-fest last week was pms or menopause or something else equally hormonal that will go away.

we are buckling down even more than before, trying to cut things. we used to revel in the fact that we could buy fruit, but no more. now we only get something every once in awhile. we eat less meat, we're going back to beans and rice since they're cheap. the a/c is being cut down. we haven't gone out to eat or see a movie in ages. we even discontinued our blockbuster rent all you want membership - it's only $15 but that's half a tank of gas. we haven't bought books or movies even longer than not going out. we're too busy playing 'pay it before its disconnected' with the utilities to do any of these things - or to buy the clothes we all need.

i know life is what it is - everyone struggles. i have a number of friends in the same boat (which really makes you wonder about those government figures that say we're doing better as a nation - maybe the people in my income bracket aren't counted?). i've been struggling since my parents divorced when i was 13 (which is not to say that my life is their fault), i should be used to this by now. there have been times when the sacrifices were made deliberately - like not working when i was going to school because i had a disabled son who needed me, but in general i've tried to do the right things. i've gone to school, i have a b.a., i've looked for work, taken and passed the right tests, put aside my desires for the needs of my family. for awhile there i reached for a dream, but i set it aside when it became obvious i needed to be doing something more concrete to feed my kids. and every step of the way i've had to fight to keep our heads above water. it's about time i got a break.

moving would be the first step, i think, and i'm seriously considering using either this month's or next month's check as a deposit on a new, cheaper place. i'd hate to stiff the current landlord in any way - i like him, he's been very flexible with us and very understanding about our situation, but we're not making it living where we're at and i don't see the whole house thing with my brother happening. he's been bitching about not having any money. and, in all honesty, with the way he's been lately, i'm not sure i want to go into that house deal with him. one more thing for him to control freak over with us would not be a good thing. he hasn't used the words yet ('after all i've done to help you . . . ' or to that effect), but his behavior has been very borderline. telling saxy his job better not interfere with working for him, getting pissed at saxy because he stayed home with a sick child one day, and other bits of behavior and statements that are getting on our nerves in general and have the feel of 'i did all this for you, now i own you and you have to do all this for me and do it my way whether you like it or not'.

so, movage needed, but i think we're going to have to find our own way out.