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friday, october 1, 2004

. ? 100 Things # .

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last night, saxy basically confirmed that mcat is being avoidant. i'm not sure what's up with that, but the man needs to face it and be honest with himself and me about whatever is going on. i had hoped once the car issue was resolved, we could find some things for the families to do together so he and i could spend time with each other and get to know each other again, but if wants as little to do with me right now as he seems to, that's going to be out of the question. i think he is beginning to regret bringing us out here. i think he's either unable to see me as different than i was as a kid (well, of course not! how could he, he doesn't hang out enough to see i'm no longer a psycho bitch from hell), or unable to to come to terms with the fact that we live and believe differently than he does, or he has something against strong women, or a mix of all of the above. and i definitely get the sense that he doesn't approve of me being a writer.

i'm a little hurt, but not really angry, and definitely upset. i knew this wasn't going to be easy for us. it's been 17 years since we last saw each other.

god, that's a scary number! lol

there's a lot behind us that we haven't worked through. not that we really need to rehash the past, but we do need to see each other enough to get over it. i've had dinner over at his family's twice. he invited us to a music thing, but it fell through when i started having stomach problems (ended up being related to female stuff) and the taxi we called ended up being a joke. i think he has the impression i'd rather not spend time with him, which isn't at all true. i want to spend time with him, i want to explore atlanta with him and his family. i'd feel like crap suggesting anything though because we can't even pay our way at the moment, not even to get ourselves to wherever we'd go.

but it's not all his fault. there are things i've seen in him that i admit i don't approve of. but it's not me who has to live with those things, so whether i approve or not is irrelevant. still, when he says things that hit those spots, i'm sure my discomfort with his attitude shows even though i don't say anything.

maybe i'm reading too much into things right now - though it would be difficult to read too much into what saxy reiterated with me. regardless, we've only been here for a couple of months (july 7 isn't that far behind us, really!) and there's a lot of adjusting going on for all of us. and i know i'm different in general, not just from people out here, but from people in cali too. i've always been a bit of an outsider, even though i used to be quite social. out here, that differentness seems more pronounced. as for mcat, he was in cali between the ages of 7 or 8 until he was 12, then he went back to ohio. he's more an east coast boy, so i really got to be some kind of strange thing to him.

i was hoping to make my christmas dinner and have his family over for the evening, but mcat told me that it probably would not happen. mjay has animal allergies. this saddens me. i remember when we were kids and the families all got together at grandma's. i miss that kind of family connection - it seems to be the one thing from my childhood i really crave. it was suggested that we go over there and i cook over there, but . . . i wanted to host it, i didn't want them to worry about anything except enjoying themselves. and then there's this possibility they won't even be around here during the holidays.

i'm floundering a little here. how do you reconnect with someone you haven't seen in nearly 20 years and whom you really should have a relationship with if they are around but not really around?

what am i missing here?

site of the moment:
lost in color

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
shadowed city
word of the moment: handfasting

betrothal; an irregular or probationary marriage contracted by joining hands and agreeing to live together as man and wife; also the living together under such an agreement


Since July 9, 2000

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