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tuesday, september 24, 2002

the whole move thing is getting a bit . . . stressing. ok, a lot stressing. one, we're having problems trying to figure out the financing. getting saxy out there isn't a big deal, but keeping him housed for 2 or 3 weeks is turning out to be a VERY big deal. so far, all we've managed to find is nightly rates for hotels, the lowest about $30/night. none of the places we've located list weekly, and at the lowest rate we're looking at needing at $210 just for one week . . . without food. i have managed to find a ymca and a friend is going to check into whether they are renting out their residential rooms and, if so, for how much. if we can't find something less than $200/week, we're in trouble.

and, everyday, it looks more and more like i'll be heading back into the university i desperately need a break from to get my teaching credential. the financial pressures are just getting overwhelming and, unless i write and sell a novel before the end of the year, the only way my degree will be useful is to teach. even an emergency credential assumes you're going to go to school and go through the actual credential program.

to add to all this, saxy's parents want to talk to us about the whole moving thing. understand, i really like saxy's parents. well, for the most part. his father makes me uncomfortable, but that is probably because of the stories of what went on when saxy was a kid. not that they abused him or anything, but the attitudes were disturbing to me. i like the fact that they've pretty much stood clear of being a huge part of our lives. as nice as they are, i needed an in-law break after my ex's family, and his mother in particular. which brings me to this proposed "discussion" of us moving.

"discussions" with the ex-mil were more her way of bullying us into doing things her way or telling us what a terrible job we were doing or to try to run our lives. the woman was a seriously controlling and abusive bitch. when the ex and i were together, everything was all my fault. mind you, she did everything she could to get the ex completely under her control (and succeeded admirably towards the end of the marriage), and she's the one who encouraged the ex's spending habits by throwing more money at him, but everything was my fault. discussions were these torturous things that involved budgets that were completely unrealistic (not that she ever understood that), telling us what we should do and how things were going to be, and eventually exploding into huge fights in which she would sniff her nose and note how out of control i was. ok, yes, i would get out of control, but only after being bullied and badgered and told how silly or stupid i was for anywhere from a half hour to two hours.

i'm sure you can see where this is going.

not that i think saxy's parents would do something like this to me. the separation and near divorce hit them pretty hard and i have felt as if i were being held at an arms length every since, but i certainly do not see them behaving this way. knowing this, however, isn't helping my case of nerves. just the idea of a "discussion" with the in-laws has me completely unnerved and ready to cry.

so much for being over the abuse.

i already have been feeling trapped enough in the last few weeks with the impossibility of living where we're at and the near impossibility of moving. now we have to explain everything to his parents? it's just too much for me to think about.

and i really have no idea how i'm going to handle it when we actually have this talk. my instinct is to give in to whatever they say just to get it over with even if it isn't the best option for my family.

i'm reverting to a nervous, sick to my stomach, depressed, please-
i'll-do-whatever-you-want-if-you-just-go-away-and-leave-me-alone abuse victim. just wonderful.

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