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expressions: questions, questions
thursday, september 12, 2002

i've decided i can't leave this on such a bad note. two depressing journal entries in a row, who needs it? certainly not me. besides, there's not much we can do except the best we can and move on. saxy has decided to drop his class and we'll try to get him out somewhere early next month. we're prepared for a long separation since it will take him some time to establish himself and be able to get things to the point where we can go out an join him.

god, i hope this works.

anyway, so, a different focus: my expressions project for this month. this month was a bit different. we all posted questions then voted one which ones to answer for the project. the questions we decided on are:

who is one person you've always wanted to be like and why?

do you have a single dream that drives you? what is it?

where were you last night? With whom? doing what?

i used to want to be like a lot of people from a lot of different fields. i'm not sure when i decided i only wanted to be me, but i no longer look at someone and want to be like them any more. i may want to have the success of marion zimmer-bradley or mercedes lackey as a writer, but i don't want to be like them. i may want to be in a family with more money, but i don't want to be a part of any specific family.

i am me. i have my own problems, my own flaws, my own gifts, my own advantages. everyone has them. some have it harder than others, so it seems, but we all have unique characteristics and circumstances. most of the people most of us think about wanting to be like we know next to nothing about. even if we know the person is someone we know, we don't know all their inner demons or even all their outside circumstances. so what looks good on the outside may be very bad from the inside.

and, to me, to want to be like someone, you would have to accept all their flaws along with all their strengths. most people want to be like someone they admire, but they only want the good things: the strengths, the money, the contacts, the success. when they find out about a drug habit, suddenly the person is diminished and they don't want to be like them any more. we are not a nation to accept the good with the bad except in extremely popular musicians who died from drug over doses or alcoholic binges. for those people the bad just comes with the territory and we idolize them anyway.

we are a nation of diversity. i am me, you are you, lackey is lackey. to want to be like anyone other than myself denies myself, removes the little bit of diversity i add to the lives of those around me. it diminishes both me and the person i idolize. who do i want to be like? myself. just me.

i want to be a writer. i want to be a successful writer. with my own voice, my own success. i used to not know what i wanted and tried all kinds of things: artist, interior design, web design (there seems to be a theme there). all through the years i ran away from my writing, writing stayed with me. i did it instinctively, it seems, although i avoided fiction except as a game master for a long time. when i was a high schooler, someone told me, "every tom, dick, and harry wants to write a novel. you'll never get published." now, note, they didn't say i was a lousy writer. but i took it that way and i buried my love of writing for 20 years.

is this my one driving desire? it's one of them. i also want to be well enough off to be able to pay my bills, take care of my kids, save a little, and all that. i never wanted to be a millionaire, i just want to be able to live reasonably comfortably. so, i work on my desire to become a writer and work on finishing a degree so i can get a part time job as a sub to help us meet our obligations. driving desires are good to have, they move us to succeed, but sometimes we have to be aware of the reality check.

last night saxy and i watched some tv, then he went to bed and i stayed up till 4 in the morning researching my paper. and i read a book. oh, wait, it was 5 a.m. i took a shower.

i live such an exciting life.

site of the moment:
Shades of Me
ring of the moment:
word of the moment: iridescent

having or exhibiting a lustrous rainbowlike play of color caused by differential refraction of light waves (as from an oil slick, soap bubble, or fish scales) that tends to change as the angle of view changes or having or exhibiting a lustrous or attractive quality or effect