seeing something good
tuesday, april 30, 2002


it's been a rough weekend. but after my disappointment with vermont, and the devastating rejection from bennington, i think i may finally be seeing something good in all this. trust me, this is a very good thing. between the whole mfa thing, my oldest girl deciding to move out, and being totally hormonal all weekend, it's been very difficult to positive at all. i did start working on alternate plans on friday, but depression followed me around all weekend. i ended up sleeping a lot. but today i finally began to see some good coming from it all.

this may not last long.

the truth is, it's still going to be up and down. when the future you plan on is turned upside down, it's not easy making adjustments, especially if you've sacrificed a lot and worked hard for that future. so i figure writing down the good will not only reassure those who have been worried about me (and thank you all again for your love and support), but also to remind me not all is lost (mmmm...yes, the influences of shakespeare class!).

i'm already taking steps to be a substitute teacher (and have been told that the district will help me get my emergency credential). this will not be as good as being a university professor in terms of being available for my son, but it does give me some freedom for the next couple of years (assuming i don't go into full time employment sooner). because i'll be subbing, i can take "time off" when my son, who is on year round schedule (yech), is off track. this may not fit inside his daily schedule so well, but it does fit into his yearly/monthly schedule a bit better. i checked once and taz is out of school for about a month once per quarter, not a big deal in the summer when i'm not going to class but a hassle during the rest of the year. last year i think his times off coincided with finals at least twice.

and not going to bennington and waiting till spring for vermont (if i am accepted there) gives me a much needed break. to be honest, i am tired. i need time off. i need to write. i have pushed so hard that i've exhausted myself, i need to recuperate and recover as best as i can. and time with the family other than just our friday night family time would be good too. this also makes me available to help saxy with his transition back into school but now trying to overcome his newly discovered ld. hopefully knowing what's up will make things easier for him in the long run, but the transition is always hard. the way he was taught to learn is not the way he really learns, so now he has to come up with new strategies and he will need help with that.

and, really, we could use some income that's more consistent than the quarterly income from financial aid.

as for vermont, if i'm not accepted in the spring, it's still not a total loss. i don't need an mfa to write. in fact, i don't even need the mfa to write well. most of the people who have read even my roughest drafts LIKE my writing. (and, in actuality, i have enough books on writing to make my own program! lol) an mfa won't get me published. the mfa, while having the advantage of giving me a degree that focuses solely on writing minus all the freaking lit classes, the main point of it was to be able to teach at a university. if vermont denies my application, i may still try again in the future when we are more financially stable (if just to say i have the degree) and my son isn't on a year round schedule anymore.

and, who knows, maybe by then i will be able to support myself on my writing. with 17 novels and 2 novella (doesn't that look sad?) planned, i just may have a chance at that!