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monday, april 29, 2002

some of the issues that almost broke saxy and i up a year ago seem to be coming back. well, not so much as coming as no longer improving. he can be such a charming man, but apparently not with his family. he cane be sweet, kind, and involved with kids, except mine. it's not that he's harsh or cruel the way he used to be, but he's impatient and uninvolved.

i know parenting is hard, but how hard can it be to be nice once in awhile? how hard can it be to show an interest or to do something with one or the other of them? i'm not asking for 24/7 positive attention, i know that's not possible. i am their biological parent and love them with my life, and i can't be that way 24/7. kids make parenting hard sometimes.

but sometimes can't be too hard . . . can it?

i have to admit, i wonder if my oldest daughter's decision to stay with her dad is in part because of saxy. those two just don't get along; they're very much like oil and water. i know our neighborhood isn't safe, and i know her father isn't the best at keeping things picked up, and i know she probably has more freedom there, but it hurts to think that saxy's attitude may have played a part in her staying with dad. he's not easy on any of the kids, but he's always been hardest on her.

regardless, i'm just not sure where to go with it from here. i'm not ready/willing to go to divorce court again, especially knowing that this time i won't be able to back down. but he just doesn't respond well to being talked to either. he ignores it.

i feel lost. there's a problem and i don't even have a starting place on how to fix it. all i know is that i don't want it to get as bad as it was before. i can't live that way, my kids can't live that way, and i don't want to fall into that old up and down pattern. my problem is . . . where do i draw the line this time?

site of the moment:
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word of the moment: ceilinged

adjective form of ceiling: the overhead inside lining of a room; an overhanging shelter or a lofty canopy; the height above the ground from which objects on the ground can be seen and identified; an upper prescribed limit