connected
tuesday january 1, 2002


i think i mentioned in my last entry that saxy and i weren't going to be able to do much for our anniversary because we're very broke at the moment and had all the kids home last night. it was just as well. we spent a wonderful anniversary together. saxy made a delicious steak and shrimp dinner (have i told you that my husband's cooking is da bomb? he just rocks as a chef!) and we watched movies together.

the nicest thing of the whole evening was feeling so connected with him, not just while we made love, but the whole night. in fact, it continues even now. somehow i don't think that feeling would be quite as strong as it is if we had gone out. not that we wouldn't have had a wonderful evening, especially since i know we would have gone to red lobster as tradition would have dictated. but there's just something about being alone together that brings out that emotional place you are with another person. there's no other voices, no other presences, to deal with, just the two of you.

it can be very frightening.

in some ways, saxy's and my relationship has always been frightening to me. it's always been very intense. not just physically, but emotionally as well. part of the problems has been that we are so very different in so many ways: i'm flexible, he's scheduled and rigid; i've always been very (playfully) flirtatious, he believes flirting should stop once you're serious; and so on and so forth. i mean, we really are very opposite in so many ways. but we were so drawn to each other, it was just...unresistable. and we were engaged in 3 months.

of course, i should have expected trouble. and, i suppose, in a way i did, just not the trouble that hit. wars between husband and children was definitely not what i was expecting. saxy, though, had never been a dad before, and moving in and being an integral part of their lives is very different than "just" dating a woman with children.

but through it all there was this connection, and that only made everything harder.

this last year has been the easiest we've ever had. oh, there are still problems between him and the children, but those problems are less. we've fought less as well. things seem to be working out, if only a little. and there's still this strong connection.

i have never felt so a part of someone, so connected. friends thought that we wouldn't last and weren't surprised when things started to fall apart almost 18 months ago, but i was devastated. this man had seemed so much a part of me, to see it all falling apart hurt more than anything in the world.

and i am very glad i ignored my 'better' judgment and gave him this 'last' chance. if there is anything such as a person who is the 'one person for you', saxy is mine. no, we're not alike, but that has never been a problem for me - i like differences, at least as long as we both allow each other to be different where it won't hurt the other. and, yes, some days we still fight like we're going to try to kill each other in a heartbeat. but we survive. love conquers all, as long as you work at it.

now, i know there will always be this...'spark' between emce and i, but you can't build your life on a 'spark'. and that 'spark' is nothing compared to the flame between saxy and i. the connection is nothing compared to this sense of belonging that i have with saxy. i am learning that there are differences in the many shades of love, and sometimes the safest isn't always the best.

saxy and i have come a long way in the last year or so that he's been back home. he and the kids are still struggling, but they want him around so things must be going better. we're slowly recreating ourselves as a family. i am sure we will have more downs along the way, but we are finding our way through the special issues that surround remarried families. and that's really all i can ask for right now.

in the mean time, i hang on to this connection, i treasure it, and i am awed by it.