sunday, september 23, 2001
all day long

i woke up in a mood. i woke in a mood and pretty much stayed in a mood all day. no one had done anything and nothing was wrong, at least not at first. i was just plain moody and sullen. as the day progressed i found reasons to e moody and sullen, and, at this point, everybody has done something and everything is wrong.

not a good way to spend the day, trust me.

it's not like i do this on a regular bases. usually i get moody and sullen after things go downhill, not before. and i usually find the source of my irritation and resolve it. my theory is if the family didn't do it, don't take it out on them, and if they did, resolve it. doesn't always work, but it usually helps.

today i just got more and more irritated and downright frustrated. and i hate being like this.

the nearest i can figure at the moment is that trying to get into an mfa program has me tied in knots and neither the reassurances of family and friends (god, i love ya'all for the confidence in me! huge hugs and thanks to every one of you, and most of you know who you are) or the decisions i have made are helping at the moment. and, of course, this whole mess has made me more frustrated because it is (and i am sure it is) blocking my ability to write. where i usually have more ideas than time, hands, computers or paper, i now have nothing. even the freewrites didn't help and i've already trashed two of the stories i considered for my writing class.

yesterday, the realities of grad school hit me. i already knew that they take very few (usually about 12 total) of applicants, although i thought they took new students each term. and i knew quite a few people applied to them, that process is quite selective. i've already come to terms with having to pay to apply and to take the gre. but yesterday (actually, more accurately, last night) i discovered just what a bitch it is to get into a program, and it's shaken my confidence greatly.

you see, the 12 they accept is for the year, and they are chosen out of 300 or more applicants.

and suddenly i feel like i can't compete. these programs don't even take 5% of the interested students. add to that the fact that i write fantasy, and pretty much can't write anything else (nor do i have a desire to), and we have a real problem. despite the fact that fantasy forms the foundation of british lit, it is not taken seriously in literary circles as a modern form of writing.

so why the hell would these people want ME?

i am going to do my damnedest to get into a program, and preferably not a throw away program. and i have decided that the one mfa professor and awp member i know is about to mentor me through this process. mind you, he, doesn't know this yet, but i need all the help i can freaking get apparently. i have to convince the people who evaluate the apps that i am worthy despite my heretic love of fantasy and that i have something to offer the program. so, as soon as i can track him down, aaron is going to be handed my 7 picks for schools and help me narrow it down to 3 (or 4, at the most). then he will read every bit of paper i plan to send and tell me how to fix it. at least i hope so. i figure he has enough confidence in me to write my recommendation letter, then he can help me make sure everything looks and sounds the best it can be. anything less will be unacceptable.

in the mean time, i had better figure out a way around this damn block. i really can't be unable to write all quarter or i will have a problem getting anywhere...even in my own university.