friday, august 3, 2001
giving in

i have finally decided to give in to this inclination to stay up at all hours of the night and sleep all day. i can't seem to stop it anyway, so why fight it? we'll just knock me out with a few good drugs at the proper time the week before classes start to get me turned back around. once in classes i should pretty much stay on schedule. right now there's really nothing to keep on the schedule of the real world except will power and i apparently have none. it may not be the best plan, but it keeps me going.

sorta.

admittedly i get more done at night. there's no way around it: i am a night owl. that's my natural cycle and i don't give a d*** that some doctors (and a few other adults) don't believe that anyone is or should be a night owl. (i have always wondered how scientific research can be soooooo out of sink with reality for most people ~ doctor's say 'this doesn't happen' and half the world goes 'says who?') night time is when i operate best. i get the most done then, it's when i am most creative and have the highest energy levels. perhaps not being able to get to sleep before 2 a.m. is a habit, but the way i feel at night is more than enough for me to think that it also has to do with having a personal cycle. mine just happens to be at night.

the problem is that during the day i get so out of it that i am slow and sluggish. my mind seems to refuse to pick up on even the most obvious things. i get very headachy (which has to be the worst of it in my book!) and cranky because i can't sleep as much or as well during the day. i become very unproductive when i am awake. i also miss time with the hubby. and i know it bothers him that i am up all night even if he doesn't say anything.

and it makes me feel old and tired sometimes.

or maybe that's just stress.

yes, we have figured out the mystery of the nail biting. it is summer and summer gets tedious and summer is the biggest financial stressor of all time. not because we take vacations or anything, but because there is no money coming in and literally everything gets behind. we get the nastiest collection calls, even though we tell them that we can't pay until fall. the fact that we intend to pay means nothing if you are not paying now. august is the worse, although this year it hit in the middle of july. we're behind on everything and receiving disconnect notices and the whole 9 yards. to say it sucks would be putting it mildly. i just keep telling myself, 'one more month' over and over.

but the mails are growing again.

the problem now is to keep motivated. site-wise i am under the wire. there is now way to get the rest done by the time classes start in sept, especially with the lack of motivation and my focus on my writing. just can't be done. either dd or my spirit pages would take longer than the month i have, together? it's insane. admittedly this causes a motivation problem...i have none.

i guess what i need to do, in addition to just giving in to the night owl tendencies, is to just sit back, relax, and enjoy what's left of my summer.

i've got enough stress without pushing myself so hard i add to it.