saturday, june 2, 2001
publishing...not!

i have actually taken seriously a few friends (and family) idea that i should try to be published (after all, my front doorstep is very small and i really don't want all these people crowded on it, i'd have to find room in the house, which would be a real achievement!), but am quickly becoming discouraged and disillusioned about even the thought of trying. in this year's writer's handbook there are half a dozen fantasy book publishers listed, half of which are owned by random house. del rey, through r.h., takes only submission from agents (strike one for me, although this is admittedly something that may be easier to fix than actually being published). ace books, was bought out several times over and seems to have since become penguin putnam or a part there of, as is daw. tor books wasn't even listed, although i found them online. from the looks of it, i have maybe 5 places to submit my work, and 3 require an agent.

folks, this sucks. i am not that good of a writer despite what some people say. and by the time even one of the novels i am working on is done i may have even less options.

now why i didn't think of doing this search before i went and had all my players last night sign off their characters so that i can write uncrowned without much concern, i have no idea. i am seriously wondering if i just wasted their time and mine. the game itself absolutely rocks with the current players, so the game itself is not a waste even if (when?) uncrowned seriously flops and gets rejected from the half a dozen publisher that are apparently available to me. but i spent time on release forms, which they then spent time on signing and witnessing signatures and so on. and i'd really hate to think i wasted all that time, but i also may just have to face up to it.

no, i have next to no confidence in my writing. even vom is subbed to only by friends at the moment. and while i am absolutely positive that they are honest in their feelings about my writing, it is discouraging to not have subscriptions from people i don't know. (subscriptions are now closed until this summer when i and my rockin flash creator can get the new domain up and running online again - 2 weeks and i am free from classes and can do whatever i want!) add to this that fantasy writing in general is not a respected genre and we really have a formula for failure. this truly upset me when you consider that j.r.r. tolkien is a respected literary fantasy author, as is larry niven (ringworld) and c.s. lewis. other authors are beloved in fantasy writing, but do not carry the respect that these two, but the point is that fantasy can be a literary work. the fact that many fantasy authors miss the mark may have something to do with its lack of literary acceptance, but really should not be since in the basic fiction genre there is the same problem. what it boils down to is that it only makes it harder for me to see myself being published.

my fiction prof says one of my biggest problems in my writing at the moment is the number of clichés i use. he seems to think that i could go to the level of literary fantasy of i could overcome that one bad habit. my problem is, the things he sees as cliché i use because they describe exactly the tone and feeling i want expressed in that moment. i have incredible problems trying to overcome that. so, i may never hit the literary fantasy level in my writing.

i realize most fantasy authors are not at that level either. but i compare myself to these people and find my writing so poor and lacking it only makes it that much harder to even imagine trying to be published.

am i too hard on myself?

probably.

am i being honest with myself?

no idea - i tend to be hyper self critical.

the truth is getting a's in class is no guarantee of publishing. and the other truth is in a lot of ways i am scared to even try. i think i can take rejection, but what is the point if you are sure that's all you will get?

p.s. yes, i missed my journal greatly during the days when the site was and down and when i was moving it. can't you tell? getting to be daily again! i have a lot of thoughts to catch up on, but seems the new ones keep crowding things out.

a load of homework calls and it's already 3 in the afternoon so i better get something done! i may write again, i want to write again, but we shall see in the end of the quarter madness. 4 total class days left, 3 left for me as i will be out on wednesday after my son's surgery, then finals. it can't happen too soon!